Who Do You Think You Are, Running Around Leaving Scars

So I heard this song on the radio and really listened to the lyrics. I thought, this is like how I feel. Then I read the lyrics and watched the official music video. Then I really felt like that's how my life with Stuart was like. Here it is:

At the end, she's given her heart back which is exactly how I feel now that I deleted the last means of communication that he had with me (my email address). I blocked him from Facebook and Google Chat and Skype, changed my phone number, moved apartments (not really because of him, but it's a benefit about it), and now I deleted the only email address of mine that he had. The only way he can ever contact me again is if he stalks me and if he does then I will get a restraining order cuz that is completely and totally unacceptable and stalker-ish. I have a new blog now (auntpanda.blogspot.com) that I'm not going to talk about him at all on because I am starting over. I have my heart back and it's stronger than ever.

Finally finished and Turning over a New Leaf

It's finally over. I don't think I've written about it, but Stuart has been emailing me lately (since December). I don't feel like trying to summarize it all so I'll just copy the entire conversation on here. Pay attention to the times that have responses on the same day cuz one of them is vital :)


December 10 10:53 AM-Stuart
Dear Amanda,

I know you don't want to hear from me ever again. But I wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I was also hopping we could possibly talk about the all the hurtful and degrading and horrible things I have done to you. I know I don't deserve hearing from you and you feel very deceived from our entire friendship. I acted like a disgusting little boy. I am very sorry for that. It would mean alot to me and be helpful as I need to start being accountable for my actions. If I don't hear back from you I understand and will attempt no further communication with you.

Stuart Reynolds






December 10 10:26 PM-Amanda
Stuart,

I will listen to what you have to say. Please remember though, that by talking about what happened, this is to help you get your life straight and in no way means that we will ever get back together. I have moved on in my life and have other plans.

Amanda Hollman

January 14 9:51 AM-Stuart

Hi,

     All of the mean and hurtful things I said were out of fear. I didn't really mean what I said I was scared. I really did love you. It was scary when you would talk about passing on. So I said the most vile things I could think of so you wouldn't want me. No matter how much I appologise I know that I have lost you as a friend and companion forever. 

Stuart Reynolds

January 20 11:49 AM-Amanda

Here is my completely honest message to you. Not going to lie, it is kinda harsh, but I hope that you read this message with the way it was intended: to help you be able to learn where our relationship went wrong and how you can improve in the future with other girls.

I understand if you were scared. It is a scary thing to deal with. Although I don't understand that if you really loved me like you said you did, why you would say anything you could think of to make me not want you. It's contradictory; when you truly love someone, you don't want to hurt them. You hurt me Stuart. You hurt me a lot. You accomplished what you were trying to trying to do though; I was being honest when I told you that I have no desire to be with you. What you said to me was beyond belief. The Stuart I thought I knew would never do something like that but apparently I didn't really didn't know you. I opened up to you Stuart. I was completely and totally honest with you. I told you everything and I feel like you were not completely honest with me. A girl wants to feel like they are special, loved and appreciated and for the most part, I did, but only when I was actually with you. When I wasn't around you, I felt like you didn't care. I did understand that you were studying and such, but it felt like you never wanted to be with me. You would brush off things that I would say with sincerity. You would criticize me often, including to my mom. You apologized for that, but I don't think you actually meant it, because you would still criticize me. You also often told me that you loved me, but I don't think you actually meant it. If you remember, I didn't tell you that I loved you for a little while. That happened twice, before we actually met in person and after you moved here. I did that because I wanted to mean it when I said it and I did mean it. Stuart I am telling you these things so that you will realize what you need to work on to be in a relationship. Physically, you moved very fast. You wanted to kiss me before we even met and it didn't take you long after you moved here to try. Spend as much time with someone your interested in as possible, but make sure to spend that time getting to know each other, not just sitting on a couch watching shows and kissing. Take her on dates. There are plenty of things you can do for dates that don't require money. I suggested many activities for us to do other than just watch shows but you would always shoot them down. Get out of the apartment and do something with her. Tell her how special she is and how much she means to you, but show it also and not just with physical actions. There are lots of ways to do that. Spending all free time together is one example. Doing things that maybe you like to do, but she loves is another. There are many more also. That's what I wanted from you; to show me how much I meant to you by actions, not physically. You would tell me how special I was to you but I never felt it because all you wanted from me was physical things. We always did you wanted and never what I wanted to do. Stuart, I did love the time that we had together, but after you said those vial and repulsive things to me and I completely ended it, I saw what I needed and what I hadn't been getting.

I've learned a lot from our relationship and I hope that you do too. Again, this message wasn't meant meant to hurt you, but to open your eyes to what you did to me.

Amanda

January 20 12:01 PM-Stuart

I would like to try and be your friend again. Maybe in time you can see that I'm not the person I came off as. I do miss you. I miss our friendship. Its entirely up to you.

 

Stuart

January 24 10:34 AM-Amanda

Ok Stuart, here it is, short and to the point. You want to be friends but you don’t even take the effort to think or do anything about the long message I sent you about what happened. You clearly do not actually want to be friends and haven’t changed at all since I ended our relationship. So no, we cannot, and will not be friends again. I am completely and totally serious when I say to leave me alone from now on. Do NOT contact me again.

Goodbye,

Amanda

I kinda feel bad for my response, but I needed to just end it. Continuing the conversation was egging him on and hurting me. I was being honest but maybe too honest. In my opinion though, there isn't any way to end a relationship without hurting them in some way. Better to end it now so he can work on moving on and (hopefully) learn from this whole experience. I know I've learned a lot. I know I need to watch out for counterfeits in my life. Not just boys, but in all things. I've learned that I need to keep both eyes wide open next time that I am in a relationship. I need to not only listen to my friends who tell me about the red flags, but really listen. I heard what they were saying but I wasn't really listening because I didn't believe them. I didn't open my eyes to see what they were seeing. Next time it'll be different.

If he emails me again (he better not, but just in case), I am not going to email him back. No matter how much he begs, pleads, and pulls at my heart, I'm just not going to do it. I want to start a fresh and clean slate. In fact, I am not even going to use the email that he has for me anymore. I know, I don't need to change my life for him. The thing is though, I'm not changing it for him, I'm changing it for me. I want to move on and start over. I can't do that with this same email because I will be constantly worrying that he will email me back. Even if I don't read it, I will still wonder and worry. I'm turning over a new leaf.

I failed yesterday and didn't take a picture. I didn't have my phone with me a lot of the time and I was way busy with church stuff. Today will be different though! I didn't take a picture, but one of my friends posted this song on her blog. She accidentally recorded this song when she played her keyboard to get her emotions out. I found it absolutely beautiful and have already listened to it like 5 times. Seriously I have :) Enjoy!

Personal Challenge Day 3

Today was a good day. I got my mailbox situation figured out and I can finally check my mail again! Then this gorgeous girl came over for lunch

I absolutely adore this girl. Michelle and I both decided that we needed an extra credit Fall 2009 so we took University Choir. We ended up sitting in the same area and became fast friends. Now we're both living in Utah (she's in Provo with me in Orem) which is nice cuz we can hang out! Except that our schedules totally clash! Lame, but at least we can hang out on occasion. I made my family's tacos (potato and hamburger tacos that are just so delicious!) and we enjoyed the food and got to catch up again.

Today I actually have more than 1 pic! I have 3! So today I got my car fixed! Yay! No more being stranded to my apartment and having to depend on others to drive me places. Look a new tire!

No more hubcap, but oh well. At least I can drive :)

I haven't seen this in a little while

Yes, I am excited for a full tank of gas. My goal now that it is full is to not let it get below half. A) it's much better for the fuel pump B) it's winter and driving when it's getting low in snow is scary cuz what if you get stuck somewhere and you run out of gas? Then you're really stuck C) my sanity doesn't like it when my tank get's below the 1/2 tank haha.

Hope this makes up for not posting yesterday :)

Personal Challenge Day 2

Day 2! I know, I didn't post it yesterday, but I got home late and went to sleep instead. I did take the picture yesterday though! So yesterday we had clean checks and I signed up to clean the shower bathroom and the living room (there are 6 jobs and 5 people so we're taking turns doing the extra job). Part of the living room job is mopping the kitchen floor. I don't think that floor had been mopped for at least a month before I moved in. We don't own a mop so I was on my knees scrubbing the floor with what was a bright yellow rag. By the time I was done scrubbing the bathroom and kitchen floors, the rag looked like this:

Good news is that the floor is nice and clean now! But they never came to check the apartment! Grr

Daily Self Challenge: Day 1

I kinda stole this idea from a friend, but I'm going to take a picture and post something (even if it's just a tiny message) every day. I wanna document my life better in words and pictures :)

Today's message:
I've been riding with my co-worker to work this week due to my pot hole adventure. When we got there, she said "Should I pull a Corbin?" (Corbin is a co-worker of mine and he ALWAYS parks backwards) so she did. Then when we got inside, we found out that not only had the car I rode in and Corbin's car were parked backwards, but my boss' car was parked backwards! Then a few other people showed up and did the same. We even told one of my other co-workers to go back out and back her car in (she swore that she couldn't do it but had Corbin do it for her haha). It was pretty great.  A few people didn't notice the pattern though and threw it off :( Here's the pic of most of us parked backwards today!

So my challenge for myself is to take a pic every day (whether of me or something that I find interesting) and post about it. It'll get me in the habit of posting everyday which should help my goal of daily journal writing! Score! Speaking of goals, I better get off and go to bed cuz it's already past my bedtime :^| Oops! Night!

Blogs and Change of Resolution

I'm really failing at this getting to bed at a reasonable hour goal. I'm trying, but my job, although I enjoy it, is getting in the way of my sleep habits. I don't get off work till 10pm on most nights then it takes me 15-20 minutes to get home, and I still have to get ready for bed after that. Oh well, I'm working on it. Just gotta figure out a schedule and get myself on it.

I have 2 friends blogs that I follow that are doing a giveaway. So, here's my schpeel about them!
     Hannah's posts on her blog every day and posts about modest fashion at reasonable prices. It amazes me what she can find for so cheap and look so darn cute! Here is the link to the giveaway post http://fashiondiaryofamormongirl.blogspot.com/2011/01/new-tunes-for-new-year-giveaway.html
     Lara's blog always makes me laugh. She talks about her new experiences she's having since she moved out of her parents house. She often has artistry to describe her stories and they too make me laugh. Here is the link to my favorite post of her's http://lewisandclarkstyle.blogspot.com/2010/10/cookie-cycle.html

I did an FHE lesson on Monday for my little FHE group. I read out of this book about exact obedience. It was really cool. Then while I was driving to work today, speeding about 5-10 over, I realized that I was being kind of hypocritical. Here I was teaching them about how to be exactly obedient and how it will bless us, and I'm not even following a simple thing like a speed limit. It's not like I was even running late to work or anything. I was just driving there. Anyways, I decided that I am going to add to my New Year's Resolution. I am titling it: Becoming the Best Me. I am going to do the best I can do be the best that I can be. It's going to take work and I know that I'm not perfect, but I am striving to be. I want to be more like my Savior.

Well, it's almost midnight and I'm not dressed for bed yet so I'm going to bid you good night :)

Updates-LONG post!

This post is SOO long overdue. I have so much to write! This post may turn out long (knowing how I like to go into detail about everything) and it will probably jump from topic to topic randomly.

I went to get Lexi from Rexburg mid December and that was quite the adventure. James went with me so I wouldn't have to drive 5 hours in the snow alone. I'm so glad he went cuz a) I don't know how Lexi and I would have loaded up all her stuff in my car by ourselves and b) because of the conditions that we were in. When we left in the morning, it was snowing and I was driving like the smart driver that I am. I wasn't going to fast and I was paying extra attention so that we would make it ok. It stopped snowing and the roads were great for a while and I was comfortable going almost the speed limit. I went to go around this car and as soon as I got back into the right lane, I lost control. It had gotten icy all of a sudden and in the heat of the moment, I forgot was I was supposed to do when driving on icy roads. My instincts said, "you're sliding to the right and you wanna go left so turn left!" I was dumb and listened and slid to the other side of the road. Then something took over and I went with the slide. We ended up off the road in the snow. We, thankfully, didn't hit anyone and the only thing we did hit was some bushes. We were both ok and the only thing wrong with my car was a dent in the side. A guy in a big truck saw the whole thing, flipped around and asked if we were ok. I had James tell him that we were ok but that help getting out would be nice. The guy got in my car and drove it out for me. Needless to say, even when the roads seemed clear I drove super slow. We got to Rexburg safely, loaded up the car, and took off. Between the 3 of us and all of Lexi's stuff, my car was full. We had icy roads and snow on the way back until about 10 minutes after we crossed the Utah border then it was nothing but rain and completely clear roads.

Next day, I went to get someone from the airport and that was another adventure. Her plane was supposed to get in at 10:30pm and I got there just before that. There were cars parked at the curb so I waited with them but then the security guys made us drive around. I drove around and around so many times then I ended up talking to a security guy who gave me a phone number to page her (she's been in Russia for 4 months and doesn't have a phone). I paged her 3 times and still no sign of her. After trying to pick her up for an hour and a half, I gave up and went home. Mind you, this whole time it had been raining. Not just raining, but hard rain, and with Utah roads, when it's raining hard you can't really see the roads. I made it back safe, but I was about ready to cry just out of frustration. I had even left my sister and the 2 girls that would ride to Cali with me in my apartment. As soon as I pulled into my apartment parking lot, I got a call from a friend who had heard from the girl that I was going to pick up. Her plane didn't get in until about midnight and didn't have her luggage till about 1am. She ended up finding a place to stay and a way back the next morning but I was so done with it all.

The drive home to Cali wasn't bad. It was snowing or raining the entire time but it wasn't too bad. Being home was nice too. I love getting to see my family and spend time with them. Especially cuz I don't get to see them as much as I'd like to. I had to head back to Utah for a roommate's wedding reception a week after going home, but it was really nice while it lasted.

It's 2011! Holy cow! I can't believe how fast this year went. I always have trouble coming up with New Year Resolutions. This year wasn't so hard though. It's mission prep! I don't think I've said anything on here about it yet, but yes, I am going to go on a mission. My goal is to go this summer so I am working on preparing. I have a mission prep institute class, I am taking temple prep for a sunday school class, and I am personally preparing. My personal prep includes:

Sleep schedule (closer to mission schedule)

Daily Scripture Study

Daily journal (or blog, haven't decided which. Maybe both)

This isn't just mission prep though. I want my life to be more centered around Christ. I want to be better and preparing for a mission is a great way to do that. I'm hoping to turn my papers in February or March. I just have to figure out my doctor and dentist appointments.

I moved out of apt 30 into 49. It's very different than what I'm used to. I'm used to lots of noise and being able to talk to anyone. There are 5 girls in this apartment and 4 different languages. This apartments consists of 2 Americans (one of which is very rarely home), one Korean, one Mongolian, and one from Cameroon. I've only been here for a week, but so far it's always quiet. I like work, but I especially look forward to going because I can talk to people and not worry if they can understand me. It's just all new to me. I finally finished unpacking/organizing. I got rid of a bunch of stuff (DI and trash). I used to be (and kinda still am) such a pack rat but I'm getting better. No one was with me this time telling me what I should get rid of. I did it all by myself :)

Well, I think I've caught you up on my life. Yes, it was a long post, but I'm going to post more often again. If you read through the whole thing, props to you! Love ya all!