Too Big of a Load

Well after not talking for almost 36 hours (torture!) we finally started talking and talked it out. I thought that there might be something going on that set him off like that, but I wasn't entirely sure. Well I was right, there was. I don't want to go into detail and explain it because I don't think it's necessary. But at least until he comes to Provo in just over 2 weeks, we're still going to talk but I'm gonna back off and give him some space. He has some things that he needs to figure out before he gets here and in order to do that, I need to give him that space.

My crummy, miserable, depressed mood was due to combined stress of not only this whole drama with Stuart, but other things too. I'm moving on Friday, it's super hot outside which is giving me a not so pretty and very uncomfortable heat rash on my leg from my brace, trying to figure out how everything is going down for school, still adjusting to life in Utah, having social "withdrawals" cuz I don't know many people and those I do know are too far away to just hang out with on a regular basis :(, working but hating my job, trying to keep a relationship, and applying for social security so trying to get that straightened out all at the same time. I can handle pressure, multi-tasking, and stress, but this is just too much for little ol me to handle alone.

Confused, Hurt, and Apologetic

I was driving today and this song played on one of my Cd's and it matched exactly what I'm feeling. Like almost to the T. I teared up listening to it. Here it is:

The Reason-Hoobastank

I'm not a perfect person

There's many things I wish I didn't do

But I continue learning

I never meant to do those things to you

And so I have to say before I go

That I just want you to know

I found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

And the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you

It's something I must live with everyday

And all the pain I put you through

I wish that I could take it all away

And be the one who catches all your tears

That's why I need you to hear

I found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

And the reason is you

And the reason is you (x3)

I'm not a perfect person

I never meant to do those things to you

And so I have to say before I go

That I just want you to know

I found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

And the reason is you

I found a reason to show

A side of me you didn't know

A reason for all that I do

And the reason is you

I am so incredibly confused. Stuart and I were completely fine but then a few weeks ago, something weird happened on his end. I'm still not exactly sure what it is. He said that he just isn't ready for a relationship, which is understandable due to what has happened in the past for him. But we still kept going on as if nothing had happened. Then 2 weeks ago, he asked if we could just be friends for a little while so he could figure everything out and he would be able to focus more on everything he had going on before he moved out. I told him that it was fine and that it'd be really good for him, and our relationship, to focus on being friends.

On the day that Taylor had 99 days left till he comes home, I posted "Double Digits" and Stuart asked me what it was about so I told him to not ask (I said that for his own good because he doesn't like hearing about Taylor, which makes sense) but he insisted that I tell him so I did. I told him that Taylor had double digits till he comes home but I also said that I had a countdown going for how many days till Stuart moves to Provo so that he could see that I wasn't focused on Taylor (it's true I'm not, I just happened to notice that he had that many days left). He told me to please not countdown for him to move to Provo cuz it's too much. Confused, I told him that I'm excited to finally get to meet my friend (we've become each other's best friend) but I agreed and deleted both countdowns I had on my google homepage (countdowns for both Stuart and Taylor).

The next day (Thursday-which I just realized happens to be the day that Taylor has been out for exactly 21 months), I messaged him on Skype and told him that I have this thing for counting. I count stairs almost every time I go up or down them and when I'm bored I count things like ceiling tiles or anything else that's around. It's just something I do without even thinking. I love counting down to things so that was another reason why I was counting down for Stuart to move here and I told him that. He said ok but after a few minutes later the conversation went as follows:

S: You're strange

A: Yup. Haha. Why though?

S: You count

A: Ya I do. But everyone has their little quirks
S: It's too strange

A: Is that a bad thing?

S: Not sure

Then I tell him that I don't do it all the time and I made it sound worse than it really is

S: Ok. You scare me

Then I ask why and he says that I like everything he posts and that I say creepy things (I count things and a question that I had asked him before) and that I'm living in Taylor's house in his room (which I clarified and told him that I'm in Kyle's room and that I'm moving out soon) and that I'm still counting down to when Taylor comes back. About this time was when I realized that he deleted me as a friend on Facebook.

S: We can try for a relationship later

A: I thought that's what we were doing. Friends for now

S: but right now it's too much

A: What are you saying?

S: Even being your friend is too hard...you make it strange

A: I'm sorry

S: So we can try again when I'm in Utah ok?

A: Ok but what are we doing till then?

S: Don't worry about it just do what you're doing

A: I don't mean to say creepy things and I don't mean to like everything you post. I like things that I like

S: it's ok. We will try later...OK

Then I told him that I deleted both countdowns and he said ok and that let's just be friends on Skype and could text and talk and that he likes me but he just needs some space then he went on a run (he can go run his emotions off but I can't. Grr!)

And we have barely spoken since. A little bit everyday but that's it-which is completely not normal for us. I'm hurt that he said those things but I'm also hurt that I hurt him.

This song put it into words for me (I have a really hard time putting things into words so I use music a lot to word things for me). Since Stuart and I have changed a bit. He brings out the best in me and I strive to do better. I know I'm not a perfect person because there are a lot of things I wish I didn't do although I have learned from everything I have done. I never meant to hurt him at all and I wish there was a way I could tell him without him pushing away more. I want to tell him that he's made me a better person. I wish I could fix everything that has happened between us. I'm showing a different side that I barely knew I had let alone other people. I very rarely cry but when I was singing along to this song, I stopped singing and listened to it and teared up.

I don't know what to do and I feel so lost and alone. I miss talking to my best friend. I miss being able to tell him everything. I almost cry every time I think about this whole thing (which is a lot). It hurts when I'm about to text him something but I don't because he hasn't responded to most times that I have texted him. I feel so helpless and hurt. I need a shoulder to cry on but the first one I think of to go to is him.

Sorry for the long post. I'll end it here because you're probably bored by now. I've been needing to vent to someone..

The Face

So I have this look that I get that I never realized I did before until about 2 months ago. I took a picture of it yesterday so I can see what I actually look like when I do it. It's my twitterpated face :) And I've been doing it a lot lately...

The Move to Utah and Everything Before

Wow it's been far too long since I have posted! A lot has happened since November. In December, I went home for Christmas and on the way down when I was in the middle of no where about 3 and a half hours away from home, my car died. Mom and Dad were very nice and willing to drive up, get the 4 of us girls and my car, and drive all the way back. Turns out that the transmission was shot and wasn't worth getting fixed so I found another ride back up to school.

My sad car that leaked everywhere

The rest stop that we waited at for 6 hours

Every semester without fail, my brace breaks in some way or another. Fall semester, it broke again but I fixed it with duct tape. January, it decided to snap on me. You know you're skilled when you can break stainless steel and it's not out of the ordinary.

In the beginning of February, I sold the old car to someone off of craigslist (for not near as much as I would have liked) and bought a car.

In March, I became associated with Stuart. He and I became fast friends and have talked everyday since the day we started talking. We are now dating and I couldn't be happier.

April 2, 2010, Brittney and Dan became parents! Carli Ann was and is so cute! I'm such a proud "auntie" :)

Two weeks ago, I moved down to Spanish Fork and was desperately looking for a job. Since I've done the job so many times and was really in need of a job, I decided to apply at Western Wats in town. I'm going to look for a better job while I'm there, but at least I can make some money while I'm waiting. Now I am working on saving money so that I can support myself and find an apartment to move into. I am seriously thinking of transferring to UVU in Provo and have almost finished the application.

Well I think I've finally brought everything up to date. I'll try to update more often!

Happy Day!!

Finally got my driver's permit :)

Update from the Burg

So as you probably have noticed I'm really bad at keeping up with this but hey at least I occasionally update :-)

First off how this semester has gone (that's winter 2009). I've been babysitting this cute little girl who is now 7 months old. It's only an hour and a half three days a week but it's fun; I love it. She is so cute.

Since I am off-track, I am taking 5 credits this semester. I am taking an online Book of Mormon class, and am doing band although I am not registered for it. I am also taking a sign language class. I am having lots of fun in that class and I am learning a lot. It is more difficult than I thought it would be but it's a great learning experience. Band is awesome. I love going there on my own time just because I love it and because of my passion for music. I am learning how to better play my trombone. We have our concert next Wednesday and I am excited but at the same time nervous. Although we are ready.

I lost count of how many of my friends have gotten engaged this semester, but 2 of my best friends were among them. Brittney was the first and what an adventure that has been. She and Dan are so good together though and I am very happy for her. I couldn't have picked a better guy for her. They are going to be married probably June 6th in Rexburg and I am way excited for her. <3


Tanis is the most recent out of the bunch and we were just waiting for that to happen. I get a call on Wednesday night and I wondered what was wrong because she never calls me since she's in Canada and it costs us both extra to talk. She told me and we were both screaming on the phone. They plan to be married June 10 so I am going to be at 2 weddings in 1 week. I don't have a picture of Tanis and Cody but if I did it would be on here. Cody is an awesome guy and I couldn't be happier for them. <3

I registered for classes for next semester last week and boy I am going to be busy! I am taking 17 credits and working 20 hours a week. Basically my schedule goes as follows: Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays I will leave my apartment at about 8:30am. Tuesdays and Thursdays I will leave about 7:45am. Everyday I will get back at about 6:15pm. Ya talk about busy. I told my roommate for next semester and she was like when am I gonna see you? I was like uh before I leave or after I get back ;-)

Well this is a pretty long post and I have to get going to band then to work (at the Opinion Center again but I'm putting in my intention to quit form today so it's all good).

one work answers about me

1. Where is your cell phone? pocket
2. Your significant other? georgia
3. Your hair? wet
4. Your mother? tall
5. Your father? working
6. Your favorite thing? friends
7. Your dream last night? none
8. Your favorite drink? dunno
9. Your dream/goal? teacher
10. What room are you in? kitchen
11. Your hobby? computer
12. Your fear? stairs
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? family
14. Where were you last night? freezing
15. What did you have for dinner? none
16. Muffins? yum
17. Wish list item? pants
18. Where you grew up? california
19. Last thing you did? dressed
20. What are you wearing? clothes
21. Your TV? off
22. Your pets? nope
23. Friends? everywhere
24. Your life? grand
25. Your mood? whatever
26. Missing some one? YA
27. Car? none
28. Something you're not wearing? make up
29. Your favorite store? none
30. Your favorite color? blue
33. When is the last time you laughed? night
34. Last time you cried? dunno
35. One place that I go to over and over? school
36. One person who emails me regularly? page
37. My favorite place to eat? dunno
38. What are you doing tonight? class