Discoveries

Being from San Diego, I grew up with In 'N Out Burger. Even when I didn't like hamburgers (I know, I was a crazy kid) I still liked going there. I would just get a grilled cheese off the "secret menu." I hadn't been there in a long time and had been craving it so on Tuesday when Stuart sent me my "Good morning" text, I asked if he wanted to go. We met up at In 'N Out, ate lunch, then hung out while he did his laundry until I had to go to work. It was nice that we were able to hang out and just talk even though he's been real busy with studying. This morning, he took the written portion of his emt test and passed! The physical is next Saturday but I don't think he'll have a problem at all with that.

Anyone ever heard of this book?

The website has a quiz you can take to see what your love language is, and I found out that my primary love language is Quality Time which made what's been going on between Stuart and I make more sense. I know he's busy and such but I keep getting frustrated that I can't see him. Even just two hours we spent together on Tuesday was nice. Even just a little time together is good. I just have to be patient.

I feel like my personality is kinda hypocritical. I don't care what people think of me, yet I have a need for acceptance. I don't like being the center of attention, yet I have a need to have attention. I'm completely fine on my own, yet I don't like being left out or left alone. I don't understand it. Since I moved to Orem, I've discovered this and more about myself, but I don't know what to do about it. It's frustrating. I try to be the best person I can be, but personally I don't see any progress. To me, it seems like every step I try to take forward is 5 steps backward. The harder I try, the further back I go. I feel like I'm a burden and an annoyance to people. Maybe it's all in my head, maybe it's not, but either way, that's how I feel.

Conversations and Misunderstandings

Ok readers, you're probably wondering what's going on now. Especially if you read my Facebook status the past few days. Although I was glad that I had broken it off with Stuart, I still was not used to not talking to him at least sometimes and I was trying to get used to not having him in my life. It was not easy, but I stuck to my decision and did not contact him. He was on my mind every day (not by choice; he would just randomly come into my mind a lot) but I stuck to it and didn't contact him (even though I deleted his number out of my phone, his number was still on my recent contact list for text messages). Thursday I had been doing better than any other day that week. I barely thought of him at all. I was monitoring at work and I get a text from a number not in my phone. It was him. I just knew it was. I didn't have his number memorized, but I recognized it. He told me "I could really use a hug" and I didn't know what to think. I thought if I just ignored it, he would get the hint. He sent that message at 9, but at 10:15 he sent anther message saying "I really do miss you and love you. There was no good reason for me to lie to your friend about our relationship." By this time, I didn't know what to think. On the day that I had thought about him the least, he went and texted me. I was just confused and didn't even want to deal with it. I didn't respond because I didn't know what to say. I tried talking to a couple friends but they all said that I had to make a decision if I wanted to talk to him or not. I knew it was my choice, but I just wanted to cry cuz I didn't want to even think about it. I prayed that night to help me to know what to do.

I woke up in the morning and decided to get some advice from my mom. I called her and left her a message asking her to call me back before work. She advised me to pray about it and follow the council I receive. Well, since I had prayed about it the night before, I thought seriously about whether I wanted to give Stuart another chance or not and what I should do. Well, after thinking for a while, I decided to respond (it was like 1:40 the next afternoon and I decided that if I was going to reply, I needed to do it soon cuz it had been over 12 hours since he had texted me). So I apologized for taking so long to respond, and said that I understood what he was saying but asked how I can trust what he's telling me is true. We had a short texting conversation and basically, he said he was sorry and I told him was willing to give him another chance but we had to do it right. We decided a time and place to meet up and talk on Saturday at 6 after I got off work.

Friday night, I went to an institute dance with my roommates. We walked over since it is just across campus and we wouldn't have to worry about parking. Well, before even leaving the complex, I hurt my foot. It's complicated to explain in text. It's way easier to explain (and understand) in person where I can demonstrate what I did. After a bit of research, I decided that I either sprained or strained the side of my foot. I still went to the dance, but it was not as fun as it could have been cuz I was in pain. Anyway, the point of saying that was that I had iced my foot all during work and it hurt to walk to far so there was no way that I was going to walk to meet up with Stuart (we were meeting at the UVU library which is completely walking distance but I was not about to do that in pain). So I decided to drive over. Rachel and I got off work at 3:30 and came back. After eating and finishing getting ready for the day (we were not about to get completely ready before work cuz we had to be IN Spanish Fork at 8am) it was only 5:30. I talked with Rachel and Taliah for a few minutes, but I was just too anxious so I headed over early. I got to the parking lot at 5:45 and had a silent prayer in my car that everything would go the way that it needed to go. We had originally planned to meet outside but since it was hot, I went inside the library where he had been studying and we talked there.

The talk was way good. He expressed how he's been feeling and I told him that I understood the pressure he felt with his studying and everything but told him how I was feeling. We talked about the 2 times that we had met up before and how each of us felt about those times. Turns out, that we were both feeling basically the same way. The day he came over to my apartment, he felt intimidated being in my apartment where it was him, me, and my two roommates who are good friends of mine. He thought that I wanted him to kiss me and I thought that he wanted to kiss me. Turns out that we basically just had communication issues (that seems to be our main issue). I told him that I was in no way ready for him to kiss me and he was so relieved. We talked about what each of us want to do about us and we're on the same page. What I thought we should do, he agreed that those were good things and vise versa when he was telling me what he thought. We both need to be patient with each other and work on our communication. We decided that we are not going to communicate online for a while, but just talk using the phone and in person. At least for a while, we're going to not spend time at each others places so that we can become more comfortable with each other and neither of us will feel intimidated. He understands how I feel about how much physical contact I am comfortable with. He said that he wants to have a relationship with me, but right now he's not quite ready for a romantic relationship. He also said that he told Bri what he did because he felt that she was too involved. I know that I have asked her for advice many times, but I don't really know all of what she and him have talked about. All I know is when she tells me what they talk about on occasion. I know that he's asked her also for advice, but he's never told me what they talk about. I told him that if he wants me to know about things, he needs to tell me. He isn't dating another girl; the other girl is just in his ward and decided that the two of them needed to have a DTR even though all he did was take her to the doctor. Needless to say, we have to work on our communication (hence staying away from online conversations for a while).

I'm still not ready to open up completely yet. He's gotta earn that. I was hurt (he knows it) and I don't want to get hurt again. He's gotta show that he is worth me giving him another chance. I'm not as vulnerable as I was before. I learned a lot about myself from having a "relationship" with him and it's going to be beneficial in the future.

The End of the Relationship

Hey all! So as some of you know, Stuart and I are done. The end. Finished! Before I explain the entire story, I just want to preface that I am completely and totally fine. I ended it. Ok here goes:

So he's been wishy-washy lately (like since before he even moved to Utah) and it's been giving me whiplash. He goes from giving me lots of attention to not much at all, sometimes even not talking to me at all. He would never explain why he would act way even when I would ask about it. He would just tell me that he didn't want to talk about it or just ignore the question.

I was so excited for him to move here and we could actually have a relationship. He finally moved in on a Tuesday and although I wanted to and tried, we didn't get to meet till that Saturday. Honestly, that day was great. It wasn't awkward at all and the amount of contact was perfectly fine. He doesn't even like country music and he came (it was Carrie Underwood singing).

Rachel and I went with a bunch of people from our ward and camped out on University Avenue on Sunday night to save our spot for the parade on Monday morning. I invited him to come since there was about half girls and half boys in the group. He never answered. So Monday morning, I texted him and told him that he should come sit and watch the parade with me but he said that he had to study so he couldn't. When I asked when I could see him again he said that it'd probably have to be the next week cuz he had a lot of studying to do. I was kinda upset about that but I knew he was busy.

Wednesday I invited him over to my apartment for lunch on Thursday but he said that he couldn't do Thursday and that it'd have to be Friday. Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, we barely spoke to each other. Thursday, he texted me at like 8am teasing me that I should wake up. I ended up not being able to go to sleep and asked him what was up and he never answered. I told him that a couple of my roommates were going to the temple and I was going to go with but study outside cuz I can't find my recommend. He asked why I couldn't find it and that was the last I heard from him all day. When I went to bed that night, I still was not certain that he was coming over since I had not heard from him all day. I woke up Friday morning and got online. Luckily he was on and he said that yes he was coming and I told him that I would have it ready by 12. I got everything cooking and at about 11:45 he texted me and asked if he could come at 12:30. Needless to say, all the food was done at the same time at 12 (exactly. which is quite an accomplishment for me) and he came by 12:30. We ate and talked but the entire time, it seemed like he couldn't keep his hands off me. It was never inappropriate, but it was pretty constant. It was too much and made me feel kinda uncomfortable. At one point, he was even playing with my ear (that was really weird and I was like uh...what are you doing? Ya, it was weird). I even asked about what happened on Thursday and he basically just brushed it off. Didn't explain why (which was NOT the first time he did that) We planned to meet up after work on that day, but he ended up having to clean and I needed to go to bed on time for work on Saturday morning. On the way to work, Rachel and I talked about Stuart and I and I had decided to talk to him about everything that I was feeling (including the amount of touching, how I felt like I was getting whiplash, and how he wouldn't explain about when he wouldn't talk to me).

Saturday, I decided I would let him initiate the conversation for the day, but of course he never did. So at about 5 I texted him and asked what he was doing but he didn't respond. A couple hours later I asked him if he could come over and his response was "Not tonight. Studying hard." I was pretty upset (well frustrated is a better word) and didn't want to get mad at him so I just didn't reply. Sunday I texted him before going to church and asked if we could talk in person after church. I'm tired of just strictly virtual conversations so I wanted to make sure he understood that I wanted to talk in person. He never answered me. I decided that I wouldn't initiate any conversation until he did cuz I was tired of not getting responded to.

Well, yesterday, we had a whole bunch of people over and we decided to watch Errand of Angels. The movie wasn't on for very long when my phone started ringing and it was Bri. I told her that I was busy but I'd call her later. But then she said that it was kinda an emergency so I got out of the mess of the living room and went into my room. I called her back and she started to tell me about how she and Stuart were chatting on Facebook and asked if I really wanted to know even if it was bad. Of course I wanted to know so we spent a long time talking on the phone with Bri, Sophie, and I. Long long conversation shortened, he said that he was casually dating this other girl (which was fine since we had talked about dating other people) but he didn't plan on telling me about it at all. He also said that we never cuddled or held hands (unless you counted him helping off the ground-according to him) and that we talked all the time (which we haven't since he's been in Utah). He also said that there never was a relationship between him and I but he wasn't going to end it. Oh and that Bri pushed him and I together. By the end of the phone conversation, I was fuming. All Sunday, I had debated back and forth between cutting it off and trying to fix it. But this was the topper on the cake to cut it off. While I was on the phone with Bri, I texted him and said "I'm done. I'm tired of being treated like crap. I see you and ten I don't hear from you and you don't explain why. You want to date others but then you cuddle with me and say you love me. I'm done. I deserve better." I didn't expect him to respond but he did. He said "Ok..." then "I'm sorry...I do love you...I just want to be sure can't things." What that meant, I wasn't really sure. Then I said "No. I'm done. I can't handle this anymore. I'm tired of it and I'm done. Bri told me about the crap you told her and don't try to deny what you told her." Then he said "Ok sorry." I thought that was the end of it. I went online and blocked him from Google chat, Facebook, and Skype. I felt so much better. I can't even begin to describe how I felt. The only way I can explain it is that it felt like 10 pounds of bricks were lifted off of me but it was way better than that. That feeling confirmed to me that what I was doing was right.

This morning, he texted me and we had a long texting conversation. Rachel was there for the whole thing and helped me word things sometimes and made sure that I stuck to my guns. It went as follows:

S: He, do you really feel that way? Or are you just upset

A (Rachel stole my phone out of my hands and texted this but made sure it was ok before sending it): I really feel that way. Please just leave me alone. I don't want anything to do with you any more."

S: Ok. I'm sorry for causing you pain

A: I wish I could believe you

S: I just need time to figure out things in my side. I really do love you. I'm sorry for hurting you

A: Since when does figuring things out mean lying to people about our relationship?

S:I thought we were not dating....

A: What about holding hands, cuddling, and how we've barely spoken since you got here

S: I like you...I'm just very out of my zone...

A: No no. Answer the question

S: I am just scared

A: Your scared of telling the truth??

S: no I am worried about being in a relationship

A: That still doesn't explain why your lying to people

S: Because I'm insecure

A: I date men who aren't ashamed to be with me not boys who lie and act bipolar with me

S: I'm not ashamed. I'm scared that you will die on me.. (He and I talked a while ago about how I will die before whoever I marry)

A: You're still not answering my question on why you lied

S: I don't know

A: Well looks like we both have a lot to figure out in life. It's probably best that we end here. I hope everything works out for you (While I was typing that, he said "And I'm so not bipolar" and I said "Well you act like that with me")

S: I really want to kiss you and be with you. It's not cut and dry with me. Please just give me time.

A: I've given you plenty of time. I've given you lots of chances. I can't wait anymore

S: I just got to utah...

A: Ya you've been here for 2 weeks and I've seen you twice. We've barely spoken. I see you then I don't hear from you. You act like I mean everything to you when your around but then you won't talk to me and won't explain why. Your casually dating this other girl yet when your with me you can't keep your hands off me. Then you tell Bri that we haven't cuddled or held hands. That is total crap and I'm tired of it (while I was typing that he said "I'm nervous about being here, emt, my drivers license, a job.....)

S: Your my first mormon relationship

A: What's that supposed to mean?

S: Look it's been years since I been in a meaningful relationship...I have never dated a mormon woman before

A: I understand but that doesn't change that you lied. You keep giving me excuses that make no sense

S: :( I don't know what to do or say. I am going to miss you. What should I do if I see you?

A: We'll cross that bridge when we come to it

S: I wish you could see that I do really love you. I'm just terrified

A: If you love me, why did you lie?

S: Because I'm scared. I lied because the one relationship where she meant the world to me ended horribly wrong. I'm scared crapless (sensored) about making the same mistake twice. I almost didn't survive the first time

A: I don't appreciate the language. And that makes no sense to me. That just seems like another excuse

S: I don't know how to make it more simple

A: We obviously have communication issues. Another reason to end right here

S: Aren't we supposed to work on that

A: When all our relationship is virtual and your not making much effort to work on it in person, it doesn't work very well and I'm done trying

S: I am. But if you truly want it over than I'll never talk to you or your friends ever again

A: I don't want to end this on a sour note. Thanks for helping me learn more about myself and I hope things work out for you

S: They won't twenty five years they have never worked out

A: Well, if you have that attitude, fine. Goodbye

S: Stop. Look I messed up. And I'm trying to make i right

A: Stuart, you don't seem to understand. You say your trying but I don't see any evidence of that. I'm tired of being the one who puts all the effort into this and getting emotionally pushed around. It's too much for me

S: am I not being (he meant begging) and pleading for you to give me a second chance

A: I feel like I've already given you not only a second chance but many more chances. This relationship has been much harder than I've let on

S: Why didn't you tell me :(

A: That's something I've wanted to talk to you about but I've tried to get to talk to you in person but you never would respond

S: I'm so sorry amanda...You deserve better I'll leave you alone

And I left it there. I wanted to have the last word but I tried to end the convo numerous times but he would always respond so I just let him have the last word. I am happy it's over. I really am. And I'm completely fine. Besides, I realized that he had way to much power over my emotions. I'm much happier now and I know this is how things are supposed to go. Wow this was a really long post so I'm going to end here.

Insert Creative Title Here

Isn't that awesome! I have my own spot at work! (PS the lines on the computer are a result of taking pictures of a computer screen)

Yesterday, my manager came up to me while I was working and asked me if I had a few minutes. I of course said yes and followed him into his office. Then he interviewed me to be a supervisor! I think it went pretty well. It helps that I am available for all the shifts and am flexible in my position and pay. He said that he'll make a decision by the end of the week and he'll train me himself. If I get the job, I'll be trained by the end of next week. I really really hope I get this. It would be dependable hours and although the pay isn't too different than what I already have, I'll get more hours. I might have to work some Sundays but it's not for sure yet.

I still haven't seen Stuart yet since Saturday, but we've talked. He's been really busy studying for his EMT test. I invited him over for lunch but he said that he's busy tomorrow so it'll have to be on Friday. So the next time I see him will be on Friday. I decided that he needs to get this test over with cuz it's interfering with getting to know each other in person :P I'm just kidding. I'm trying to be patient. I realized today though, that he's trying to be responsible and study for his test and I'm not helping with trying to get him to spend time with me. Now I feel like a jerk. So I'm just going to let him study. He knows that I want to see him so I'll be patient.

A couple of my roomies go to institue on Wednesday nights so I decided to start going with them. It's from 5:15-6:45 so Rachel and I aren't going to work today. Next week we'll go though. At least after. The work schedule is changing so we'll work at least from 7-10 if not before. But that also depends on if I get promoted. If I do get the position, I might not be able to go. All depends on if I get scheduled for Wednesdays or not.

Well, I think I've caught you up to life and I've run out of things to say so I'm gonna end here :)

Glory! (Taste the Rainbow)

Where do I even start?? Tonight was absolutely AMAZING!! I just can't get over it. My roommates and a bunch of us from the ward went to watch Stadium of Fire from the grass outside of the stadium. Rachel and I worked from 9-4 today then we went to Rena's house and walked with everyone to the stadium (parking would have been ridiculous). It was flippin far! Holy cow I haven't walked that far in forever. Needless to say, I layed down on the grass as soon as we got there and didn't want to move. I had invited Stuart to come watch with us and I didn't think he would really come. But I texted him from Rachel's phone and he said he'd come! And he totally did! There was not even one second of awkwardness. It felt like we had seen each other lots of times before. He came walking up the hill and we smiled at each other then he came and sat next to me. We just chatted a bit and he would push me a bit and I would push back (using our sides like leaning hard against the other to push). This happend a number of times, then I said something that he thought was funny so he hugged me and he kinda lingered a bit but he pulled out of the hug. Then the pushing continued and he put his arm around me. There it stayed the entire night and I was completely ok with it. We cuddled for a little while and he started playing with my fingers a little. Then he held my hand (which I totally owe my roommates Skittles for). It all just felt so right. We didn't talk very much, but it wasn't awkward at all. We watched the fireworks then we all got everything packed up and started heading back toward Rena's house. He was just going to walk to his apartment which was only like a block away but he decided to walk with me all the way back to the house. I was so tired but he was so supportive. He seemed like he wasn't really sure what to do but to just walk. Seemed like he wanted to do more to help but didn't know of what he could do. He stayed with me the entire time and would tell me that we were getting close or that I could make it. He was so sweet.
Kyla said that it was funny that she was just oh that's Amanda and Stuart like we had been together for a while. And she hadn't even officially met him yet haha. That's when she got up and introduced herself. It was just all so right. When he first touched my hand, it tingled and was just the most amazing feeling. I am so glad that he came tonight. It really shows that he is putting effort into this. I was really beginning to feel like this was one-sided. I was getting so frustrated with him but it just all seemed ok with him there. It just felt right. That is the only way I can describe it. It was just....right :)

Stuart Update

You're probably all wondering what is going on with Stuart's coming to Utah. Well...it's been just like my blog posts yesterday- a whole lot of nothing. Tuesday, I went and worked from 3-8 and couldn't hardly sit still the entire time. I have a cross stitch that I usually work on while I'm at work, but I didn't do it at all. I was super excited. Rachel let me call me on her phone at 8:30 and I left him a message saying that I was going to karaoke but to call me and if he didn't want to go to karaoke I could always leave. At 9, we were at Applebees and Rachel puts her phone in front of me on the table and smiles at me. I told her that she was tempting me to text him and she said no that she was telling me to text him. So I did. The conversation went like this:

Me: Hey :) It's Amanda. Rachel is letting me use her phone. What are you doing?

Stuart: Eh sick tired ready to sleep forever

Me: Too tired to see me?

Stuart: Yeah

Me: :(

Stuart: Sorry

Me: It's just that I was excited and got all dressed up to see you

Then nothing. I'm 90% sure he fell asleep. I understand if he's tired, but couldn't he have called and told me that before I texted him? I was disappointed, but it was coming off like being depressed. Rachel was also bummed cuz of her boy troubles that day so we were both pretty much feeling the same way. Heavenly Father really knows what he's doing. He put Rachel and I together and we're basically going through the same situations, both in the past and now. It's crazy. Anyway, I sent Stuart an inbox message on Facebook telling him that I worked at 3 on Wednesday and have to leave at about 2:30 but I didn't have any plans before and that he could call me. Well, at 2:15ish I called him and left a message saying that I only worked till 6 and could do something after work. Needless to say, I received no phone call yesterday. Kyla came home and she and I watched a movie in her room while Rachel, Keim, and Jeff watched a scary movie in the living room.

By the end of the night, I was basically really annoyed and feeling kinda P.O.ed. I decided that I tried enough and if he wants to see me, he has to call me. I'm not gonna try anymore. By not calling me back or making an effort to see me, I'm feeling rejected and I'm tired of it. I'm not gonna call, text, or message online unless he does one of those to me first. It can't be one sided which is what I feel like it's been for the past few weeks. I told Rachel to not let me call or text him (in case I gave in and wanted to today) and she said that I can't unless I use her phone so that won't be a problem haha.

Well, at 11 this morning, I noticed that he messaged me on Skype saying "hi" but he sent it at 10 and I didn't see it till an hour later. He was already offline by then but I messaged back saying that I was sorry I didn't reply and I didn't see his message till 11. If he decides to message back later, cool. If he decides to call, cool. But I'm not going to do either unless he does first. I've tried enough. I work from 3-9 today so unless he doesn't care about going to bed late and he actually calls me, nothing is going to happen today. And frankly, I don't really care. If he wants something to happen though, he'd better act quickly cuz if he waits too long I'm gonna be over him and he won't have a chance.