Ok readers, you're probably wondering what's going on now. Especially if you read my Facebook status the past few days. Although I was glad that I had broken it off with Stuart, I still was not used to not talking to him at least sometimes and I was trying to get used to not having him in my life. It was not easy, but I stuck to my decision and did not contact him. He was on my mind every day (not by choice; he would just randomly come into my mind a lot) but I stuck to it and didn't contact him (even though I deleted his number out of my phone, his number was still on my recent contact list for text messages). Thursday I had been doing better than any other day that week. I barely thought of him at all. I was monitoring at work and I get a text from a number not in my phone. It was him. I just knew it was. I didn't have his number memorized, but I recognized it. He told me "I could really use a hug" and I didn't know what to think. I thought if I just ignored it, he would get the hint. He sent that message at 9, but at 10:15 he sent anther message saying "I really do miss you and love you. There was no good reason for me to lie to your friend about our relationship." By this time, I didn't know what to think. On the day that I had thought about him the least, he went and texted me. I was just confused and didn't even want to deal with it. I didn't respond because I didn't know what to say. I tried talking to a couple friends but they all said that I had to make a decision if I wanted to talk to him or not. I knew it was my choice, but I just wanted to cry cuz I didn't want to even think about it. I prayed that night to help me to know what to do.
I woke up in the morning and decided to get some advice from my mom. I called her and left her a message asking her to call me back before work. She advised me to pray about it and follow the council I receive. Well, since I had prayed about it the night before, I thought seriously about whether I wanted to give Stuart another chance or not and what I should do. Well, after thinking for a while, I decided to respond (it was like 1:40 the next afternoon and I decided that if I was going to reply, I needed to do it soon cuz it had been over 12 hours since he had texted me). So I apologized for taking so long to respond, and said that I understood what he was saying but asked how I can trust what he's telling me is true. We had a short texting conversation and basically, he said he was sorry and I told him was willing to give him another chance but we had to do it right. We decided a time and place to meet up and talk on Saturday at 6 after I got off work.
Friday night, I went to an institute dance with my roommates. We walked over since it is just across campus and we wouldn't have to worry about parking. Well, before even leaving the complex, I hurt my foot. It's complicated to explain in text. It's way easier to explain (and understand) in person where I can demonstrate what I did. After a bit of research, I decided that I either sprained or strained the side of my foot. I still went to the dance, but it was not as fun as it could have been cuz I was in pain. Anyway, the point of saying that was that I had iced my foot all during work and it hurt to walk to far so there was no way that I was going to walk to meet up with Stuart (we were meeting at the UVU library which is completely walking distance but I was not about to do that in pain). So I decided to drive over. Rachel and I got off work at 3:30 and came back. After eating and finishing getting ready for the day (we were not about to get completely ready before work cuz we had to be IN Spanish Fork at 8am) it was only 5:30. I talked with Rachel and Taliah for a few minutes, but I was just too anxious so I headed over early. I got to the parking lot at 5:45 and had a silent prayer in my car that everything would go the way that it needed to go. We had originally planned to meet outside but since it was hot, I went inside the library where he had been studying and we talked there.
The talk was way good. He expressed how he's been feeling and I told him that I understood the pressure he felt with his studying and everything but told him how I was feeling. We talked about the 2 times that we had met up before and how each of us felt about those times. Turns out, that we were both feeling basically the same way. The day he came over to my apartment, he felt intimidated being in my apartment where it was him, me, and my two roommates who are good friends of mine. He thought that I wanted him to kiss me and I thought that he wanted to kiss me. Turns out that we basically just had communication issues (that seems to be our main issue). I told him that I was in no way ready for him to kiss me and he was so relieved. We talked about what each of us want to do about us and we're on the same page. What I thought we should do, he agreed that those were good things and vise versa when he was telling me what he thought. We both need to be patient with each other and work on our communication. We decided that we are not going to communicate online for a while, but just talk using the phone and in person. At least for a while, we're going to not spend time at each others places so that we can become more comfortable with each other and neither of us will feel intimidated. He understands how I feel about how much physical contact I am comfortable with. He said that he wants to have a relationship with me, but right now he's not quite ready for a romantic relationship. He also said that he told Bri what he did because he felt that she was too involved. I know that I have asked her for advice many times, but I don't really know all of what she and him have talked about. All I know is when she tells me what they talk about on occasion. I know that he's asked her also for advice, but he's never told me what they talk about. I told him that if he wants me to know about things, he needs to tell me. He isn't dating another girl; the other girl is just in his ward and decided that the two of them needed to have a DTR even though all he did was take her to the doctor. Needless to say, we have to work on our communication (hence staying away from online conversations for a while).
I'm still not ready to open up completely yet. He's gotta earn that. I was hurt (he knows it) and I don't want to get hurt again. He's gotta show that he is worth me giving him another chance. I'm not as vulnerable as I was before. I learned a lot about myself from having a "relationship" with him and it's going to be beneficial in the future.
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