Who Do You Think You Are, Running Around Leaving Scars

So I heard this song on the radio and really listened to the lyrics. I thought, this is like how I feel. Then I read the lyrics and watched the official music video. Then I really felt like that's how my life with Stuart was like. Here it is:

At the end, she's given her heart back which is exactly how I feel now that I deleted the last means of communication that he had with me (my email address). I blocked him from Facebook and Google Chat and Skype, changed my phone number, moved apartments (not really because of him, but it's a benefit about it), and now I deleted the only email address of mine that he had. The only way he can ever contact me again is if he stalks me and if he does then I will get a restraining order cuz that is completely and totally unacceptable and stalker-ish. I have a new blog now (auntpanda.blogspot.com) that I'm not going to talk about him at all on because I am starting over. I have my heart back and it's stronger than ever.

Finally finished and Turning over a New Leaf

It's finally over. I don't think I've written about it, but Stuart has been emailing me lately (since December). I don't feel like trying to summarize it all so I'll just copy the entire conversation on here. Pay attention to the times that have responses on the same day cuz one of them is vital :)


December 10 10:53 AM-Stuart
Dear Amanda,

I know you don't want to hear from me ever again. But I wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I was also hopping we could possibly talk about the all the hurtful and degrading and horrible things I have done to you. I know I don't deserve hearing from you and you feel very deceived from our entire friendship. I acted like a disgusting little boy. I am very sorry for that. It would mean alot to me and be helpful as I need to start being accountable for my actions. If I don't hear back from you I understand and will attempt no further communication with you.

Stuart Reynolds






December 10 10:26 PM-Amanda
Stuart,

I will listen to what you have to say. Please remember though, that by talking about what happened, this is to help you get your life straight and in no way means that we will ever get back together. I have moved on in my life and have other plans.

Amanda Hollman

January 14 9:51 AM-Stuart

Hi,

     All of the mean and hurtful things I said were out of fear. I didn't really mean what I said I was scared. I really did love you. It was scary when you would talk about passing on. So I said the most vile things I could think of so you wouldn't want me. No matter how much I appologise I know that I have lost you as a friend and companion forever. 

Stuart Reynolds

January 20 11:49 AM-Amanda

Here is my completely honest message to you. Not going to lie, it is kinda harsh, but I hope that you read this message with the way it was intended: to help you be able to learn where our relationship went wrong and how you can improve in the future with other girls.

I understand if you were scared. It is a scary thing to deal with. Although I don't understand that if you really loved me like you said you did, why you would say anything you could think of to make me not want you. It's contradictory; when you truly love someone, you don't want to hurt them. You hurt me Stuart. You hurt me a lot. You accomplished what you were trying to trying to do though; I was being honest when I told you that I have no desire to be with you. What you said to me was beyond belief. The Stuart I thought I knew would never do something like that but apparently I didn't really didn't know you. I opened up to you Stuart. I was completely and totally honest with you. I told you everything and I feel like you were not completely honest with me. A girl wants to feel like they are special, loved and appreciated and for the most part, I did, but only when I was actually with you. When I wasn't around you, I felt like you didn't care. I did understand that you were studying and such, but it felt like you never wanted to be with me. You would brush off things that I would say with sincerity. You would criticize me often, including to my mom. You apologized for that, but I don't think you actually meant it, because you would still criticize me. You also often told me that you loved me, but I don't think you actually meant it. If you remember, I didn't tell you that I loved you for a little while. That happened twice, before we actually met in person and after you moved here. I did that because I wanted to mean it when I said it and I did mean it. Stuart I am telling you these things so that you will realize what you need to work on to be in a relationship. Physically, you moved very fast. You wanted to kiss me before we even met and it didn't take you long after you moved here to try. Spend as much time with someone your interested in as possible, but make sure to spend that time getting to know each other, not just sitting on a couch watching shows and kissing. Take her on dates. There are plenty of things you can do for dates that don't require money. I suggested many activities for us to do other than just watch shows but you would always shoot them down. Get out of the apartment and do something with her. Tell her how special she is and how much she means to you, but show it also and not just with physical actions. There are lots of ways to do that. Spending all free time together is one example. Doing things that maybe you like to do, but she loves is another. There are many more also. That's what I wanted from you; to show me how much I meant to you by actions, not physically. You would tell me how special I was to you but I never felt it because all you wanted from me was physical things. We always did you wanted and never what I wanted to do. Stuart, I did love the time that we had together, but after you said those vial and repulsive things to me and I completely ended it, I saw what I needed and what I hadn't been getting.

I've learned a lot from our relationship and I hope that you do too. Again, this message wasn't meant meant to hurt you, but to open your eyes to what you did to me.

Amanda

January 20 12:01 PM-Stuart

I would like to try and be your friend again. Maybe in time you can see that I'm not the person I came off as. I do miss you. I miss our friendship. Its entirely up to you.

 

Stuart

January 24 10:34 AM-Amanda

Ok Stuart, here it is, short and to the point. You want to be friends but you don’t even take the effort to think or do anything about the long message I sent you about what happened. You clearly do not actually want to be friends and haven’t changed at all since I ended our relationship. So no, we cannot, and will not be friends again. I am completely and totally serious when I say to leave me alone from now on. Do NOT contact me again.

Goodbye,

Amanda

I kinda feel bad for my response, but I needed to just end it. Continuing the conversation was egging him on and hurting me. I was being honest but maybe too honest. In my opinion though, there isn't any way to end a relationship without hurting them in some way. Better to end it now so he can work on moving on and (hopefully) learn from this whole experience. I know I've learned a lot. I know I need to watch out for counterfeits in my life. Not just boys, but in all things. I've learned that I need to keep both eyes wide open next time that I am in a relationship. I need to not only listen to my friends who tell me about the red flags, but really listen. I heard what they were saying but I wasn't really listening because I didn't believe them. I didn't open my eyes to see what they were seeing. Next time it'll be different.

If he emails me again (he better not, but just in case), I am not going to email him back. No matter how much he begs, pleads, and pulls at my heart, I'm just not going to do it. I want to start a fresh and clean slate. In fact, I am not even going to use the email that he has for me anymore. I know, I don't need to change my life for him. The thing is though, I'm not changing it for him, I'm changing it for me. I want to move on and start over. I can't do that with this same email because I will be constantly worrying that he will email me back. Even if I don't read it, I will still wonder and worry. I'm turning over a new leaf.

I failed yesterday and didn't take a picture. I didn't have my phone with me a lot of the time and I was way busy with church stuff. Today will be different though! I didn't take a picture, but one of my friends posted this song on her blog. She accidentally recorded this song when she played her keyboard to get her emotions out. I found it absolutely beautiful and have already listened to it like 5 times. Seriously I have :) Enjoy!

Personal Challenge Day 3

Today was a good day. I got my mailbox situation figured out and I can finally check my mail again! Then this gorgeous girl came over for lunch

I absolutely adore this girl. Michelle and I both decided that we needed an extra credit Fall 2009 so we took University Choir. We ended up sitting in the same area and became fast friends. Now we're both living in Utah (she's in Provo with me in Orem) which is nice cuz we can hang out! Except that our schedules totally clash! Lame, but at least we can hang out on occasion. I made my family's tacos (potato and hamburger tacos that are just so delicious!) and we enjoyed the food and got to catch up again.

Today I actually have more than 1 pic! I have 3! So today I got my car fixed! Yay! No more being stranded to my apartment and having to depend on others to drive me places. Look a new tire!

No more hubcap, but oh well. At least I can drive :)

I haven't seen this in a little while

Yes, I am excited for a full tank of gas. My goal now that it is full is to not let it get below half. A) it's much better for the fuel pump B) it's winter and driving when it's getting low in snow is scary cuz what if you get stuck somewhere and you run out of gas? Then you're really stuck C) my sanity doesn't like it when my tank get's below the 1/2 tank haha.

Hope this makes up for not posting yesterday :)

Personal Challenge Day 2

Day 2! I know, I didn't post it yesterday, but I got home late and went to sleep instead. I did take the picture yesterday though! So yesterday we had clean checks and I signed up to clean the shower bathroom and the living room (there are 6 jobs and 5 people so we're taking turns doing the extra job). Part of the living room job is mopping the kitchen floor. I don't think that floor had been mopped for at least a month before I moved in. We don't own a mop so I was on my knees scrubbing the floor with what was a bright yellow rag. By the time I was done scrubbing the bathroom and kitchen floors, the rag looked like this:

Good news is that the floor is nice and clean now! But they never came to check the apartment! Grr

Daily Self Challenge: Day 1

I kinda stole this idea from a friend, but I'm going to take a picture and post something (even if it's just a tiny message) every day. I wanna document my life better in words and pictures :)

Today's message:
I've been riding with my co-worker to work this week due to my pot hole adventure. When we got there, she said "Should I pull a Corbin?" (Corbin is a co-worker of mine and he ALWAYS parks backwards) so she did. Then when we got inside, we found out that not only had the car I rode in and Corbin's car were parked backwards, but my boss' car was parked backwards! Then a few other people showed up and did the same. We even told one of my other co-workers to go back out and back her car in (she swore that she couldn't do it but had Corbin do it for her haha). It was pretty great.  A few people didn't notice the pattern though and threw it off :( Here's the pic of most of us parked backwards today!

So my challenge for myself is to take a pic every day (whether of me or something that I find interesting) and post about it. It'll get me in the habit of posting everyday which should help my goal of daily journal writing! Score! Speaking of goals, I better get off and go to bed cuz it's already past my bedtime :^| Oops! Night!

Blogs and Change of Resolution

I'm really failing at this getting to bed at a reasonable hour goal. I'm trying, but my job, although I enjoy it, is getting in the way of my sleep habits. I don't get off work till 10pm on most nights then it takes me 15-20 minutes to get home, and I still have to get ready for bed after that. Oh well, I'm working on it. Just gotta figure out a schedule and get myself on it.

I have 2 friends blogs that I follow that are doing a giveaway. So, here's my schpeel about them!
     Hannah's posts on her blog every day and posts about modest fashion at reasonable prices. It amazes me what she can find for so cheap and look so darn cute! Here is the link to the giveaway post http://fashiondiaryofamormongirl.blogspot.com/2011/01/new-tunes-for-new-year-giveaway.html
     Lara's blog always makes me laugh. She talks about her new experiences she's having since she moved out of her parents house. She often has artistry to describe her stories and they too make me laugh. Here is the link to my favorite post of her's http://lewisandclarkstyle.blogspot.com/2010/10/cookie-cycle.html

I did an FHE lesson on Monday for my little FHE group. I read out of this book about exact obedience. It was really cool. Then while I was driving to work today, speeding about 5-10 over, I realized that I was being kind of hypocritical. Here I was teaching them about how to be exactly obedient and how it will bless us, and I'm not even following a simple thing like a speed limit. It's not like I was even running late to work or anything. I was just driving there. Anyways, I decided that I am going to add to my New Year's Resolution. I am titling it: Becoming the Best Me. I am going to do the best I can do be the best that I can be. It's going to take work and I know that I'm not perfect, but I am striving to be. I want to be more like my Savior.

Well, it's almost midnight and I'm not dressed for bed yet so I'm going to bid you good night :)

Updates-LONG post!

This post is SOO long overdue. I have so much to write! This post may turn out long (knowing how I like to go into detail about everything) and it will probably jump from topic to topic randomly.

I went to get Lexi from Rexburg mid December and that was quite the adventure. James went with me so I wouldn't have to drive 5 hours in the snow alone. I'm so glad he went cuz a) I don't know how Lexi and I would have loaded up all her stuff in my car by ourselves and b) because of the conditions that we were in. When we left in the morning, it was snowing and I was driving like the smart driver that I am. I wasn't going to fast and I was paying extra attention so that we would make it ok. It stopped snowing and the roads were great for a while and I was comfortable going almost the speed limit. I went to go around this car and as soon as I got back into the right lane, I lost control. It had gotten icy all of a sudden and in the heat of the moment, I forgot was I was supposed to do when driving on icy roads. My instincts said, "you're sliding to the right and you wanna go left so turn left!" I was dumb and listened and slid to the other side of the road. Then something took over and I went with the slide. We ended up off the road in the snow. We, thankfully, didn't hit anyone and the only thing we did hit was some bushes. We were both ok and the only thing wrong with my car was a dent in the side. A guy in a big truck saw the whole thing, flipped around and asked if we were ok. I had James tell him that we were ok but that help getting out would be nice. The guy got in my car and drove it out for me. Needless to say, even when the roads seemed clear I drove super slow. We got to Rexburg safely, loaded up the car, and took off. Between the 3 of us and all of Lexi's stuff, my car was full. We had icy roads and snow on the way back until about 10 minutes after we crossed the Utah border then it was nothing but rain and completely clear roads.

Next day, I went to get someone from the airport and that was another adventure. Her plane was supposed to get in at 10:30pm and I got there just before that. There were cars parked at the curb so I waited with them but then the security guys made us drive around. I drove around and around so many times then I ended up talking to a security guy who gave me a phone number to page her (she's been in Russia for 4 months and doesn't have a phone). I paged her 3 times and still no sign of her. After trying to pick her up for an hour and a half, I gave up and went home. Mind you, this whole time it had been raining. Not just raining, but hard rain, and with Utah roads, when it's raining hard you can't really see the roads. I made it back safe, but I was about ready to cry just out of frustration. I had even left my sister and the 2 girls that would ride to Cali with me in my apartment. As soon as I pulled into my apartment parking lot, I got a call from a friend who had heard from the girl that I was going to pick up. Her plane didn't get in until about midnight and didn't have her luggage till about 1am. She ended up finding a place to stay and a way back the next morning but I was so done with it all.

The drive home to Cali wasn't bad. It was snowing or raining the entire time but it wasn't too bad. Being home was nice too. I love getting to see my family and spend time with them. Especially cuz I don't get to see them as much as I'd like to. I had to head back to Utah for a roommate's wedding reception a week after going home, but it was really nice while it lasted.

It's 2011! Holy cow! I can't believe how fast this year went. I always have trouble coming up with New Year Resolutions. This year wasn't so hard though. It's mission prep! I don't think I've said anything on here about it yet, but yes, I am going to go on a mission. My goal is to go this summer so I am working on preparing. I have a mission prep institute class, I am taking temple prep for a sunday school class, and I am personally preparing. My personal prep includes:

Sleep schedule (closer to mission schedule)

Daily Scripture Study

Daily journal (or blog, haven't decided which. Maybe both)

This isn't just mission prep though. I want my life to be more centered around Christ. I want to be better and preparing for a mission is a great way to do that. I'm hoping to turn my papers in February or March. I just have to figure out my doctor and dentist appointments.

I moved out of apt 30 into 49. It's very different than what I'm used to. I'm used to lots of noise and being able to talk to anyone. There are 5 girls in this apartment and 4 different languages. This apartments consists of 2 Americans (one of which is very rarely home), one Korean, one Mongolian, and one from Cameroon. I've only been here for a week, but so far it's always quiet. I like work, but I especially look forward to going because I can talk to people and not worry if they can understand me. It's just all new to me. I finally finished unpacking/organizing. I got rid of a bunch of stuff (DI and trash). I used to be (and kinda still am) such a pack rat but I'm getting better. No one was with me this time telling me what I should get rid of. I did it all by myself :)

Well, I think I've caught you up on my life. Yes, it was a long post, but I'm going to post more often again. If you read through the whole thing, props to you! Love ya all!

Sick and Blogging

So I want to write a blog post but I don't know what to write about haha. And I'm sick so I don't really wanna do much but blogging sounded fun but I'm just out of ideas to write on. Oh wait! I know what to write!

So I've always been terrified of needles right? I was the kid who when I got shots, I would just give Dad a big hug and look away. I would cry even before they poked me. Even when I was a teenager I wanted to hold Dad but I was too old. I had a hepatitis booster shot and complained the whole day about my arm hurting. When I had my back surgery my sophomore year of high school, they gave me an IV and I cried. My parents were just like calm down it's just an IV. I really just hate needles. In high school when we reached the age that we could donate blood, everyone was like I'm donating and I'm just like uh ya right not gonna happen. Besides, I didn't weigh enough. That was my excuse at least. And I thought I couldn't donate since growing up I was always told that my mom didn't donate cuz she couldn't. I assumed that I couldn't either.

Then I move to Utah and my stake has a huge blood drive. I was talking to Rachel about how I would but I don't think I can blah blah blah and she was like well do you know that for sure and I was like well no I'll find out. I called Dad and since he didn't answer I called aunt Shelly and she said the only reason Mom couldn't was cuz of some of the medications she was on and cuz of her sleep machine thingy. As long as I weighed enough and was qualified under the under requirements, I could donate. So I went with Rachel and was all psyched up to donate. But they turned us away cuz they had too many people!

Now I am service co-chair in my ward and the stake was having another huge blood drive and I was like I am going to donate this time! I wasn't even scared at all to do it. But then I got a cold and when the lady called me to set up my appointment she was like can't donate if you're sick and I was like DOOM!! Now I really wanna donate and am super sad that I haven't been able to yet. What the heck?!? I'm finally ready and I can't. How ironic.

2 days!!

2 days until

And

I love my family and can't wait to go home and see them!! :D

Tribute to Apt 30

Life is changing so fast. I've lived in apartment 30 for 5 months but it seems like so much longer. Last weekend, the lovely Rena coordinated an apartment day. We had such a blast! We took pictures which was so fun and much needed! Rachel came up and spent the weekend with us. It was glory :)

This is 4 of the current 6

Summer 2010 group

Everyone

Rachel and I

Kyla and I

We took individuals too (and yes, my hair is darker - Liz dyed it for me)

Kyla and Kim are moving out in a month and I decided to change apartments so I'm doing that in the beginning of January. No more climbing 49 stairs! I'll only have to go up 14 haha. I have loved my time in apartment 30 and the girls from it! I wouldn't change my time here with them for anything. Climbing the 4 flights of stairs multiple times daily was completely worth it!

Thank you girls so much! Love you all!!

Stalker Status

So I completely ended it with Stuart a month ago right? Well on the 23rd, he emailed me saying "Hi. I didn't get into medic school. How are you?" Seriously? Do he not get it?? Wow! I tried to set my email to forward his emails right back to him but it backfired cuz it sent him a confirmation email. Then he sent me 3 more emails asking why I was forwarding my email to him. I changed the settings to send his emails straight to the trash box. I thought that it was over then. But no! Lexi called me yesterday and told me that he messaged her on Facebook (they were friends but they aren't anymore) saying that he misses me. It was one thing by emailing me but once he contacts family members, that crosses the line! I talked to some roommates and to co-workers and I decided to email him a polite threat. Not long before I sent it though, he emailed me again saying "Please talk to me." In my head I was like uh....no! but I just sent him this email:


Stuart,
Although I appreciate the time that we had together, I meant it when I said that I am moving on. I have gotten your emails but I did not reply because I don't have any desire to be in contact with you at this point in my life because I feel that I was mislead as to the nature of our relationship. Please do not contact me or any member of my family again or I will take further action.
Amanda


I haven't heard from him since. On top of that though, my roommate is a manager at dollar tree in provo and she told me that within this month he has come in there (he has only seen her twice with me so he doesn't really know her). One of the times that he went there she was a cashier and he was there with a girl. She said that she could tell they were together. I'm just like wow dude. Seriously? If you are with another girl and trying to talk to me, you're cheating on her. I don't want you dude!


Some where there is someone far better than that jerk but until then I just have to be patient :)

Music!

So...I love music! I listen to it every day without fail and for most of the day. I like to say that I have a musically programed brain. Often times I have trouble putting into words my feelings but I can describe it through music. I went to an institute dance beginning of this month and they played this song:



I turned to Kyla and was like this so describes my life with Stuart! Then I heard this song:



And I realized that this describes how Stuart would act! Ugh I'm so glad that I'm done with him. Ps, he decided to email me the other day. No worries, I haven't responded to him at all. All he said in the email was that he didn't get into medic school and asked how I was doing. I changed my email settings to send his emails straight to my trash box. Grr. Anyways...

I went to a work dance and heard this song:



I love it!! I want someone like that you loves me just the way I am and tells me. I so deserve way better than I had with Stuart and I didn't realize at the time what I was missing but now that it's over I realize how un-happy I really was. I was just infatuated with having him that I was blinded by it all.

Special disclosure to my blog readers, I am working on writing a song. I figured that since my brain works best through music, I would write out my feelings. I haven't told many that I am doing this, but I am really working on it. When I get it written and recorded on my computer, I'll post it on here :)

Long Overdue (disclaimer-LONG story!)

This post is way past overdue. SOO much has happened since my last post, it's ridiculous. So, first off, you guys wanted my first kiss story so here it is :) I wanted him to come over but he said that he didn't have gas to come so I decided to go pick him up and bring him back. I went over there but we ended up staying at his place and watching this show that he likes. Twice he kissed me on the corner of my mouth teasingly then he turned my face and kissed me. I didn't really know what I was doing but it was nice. I was glad that I knew the way home though cuz I was on auto pilot haha. Except I was paying attention cuz there was a deer on University Avenue! Crazy!

Mom, Julie (Mom's sister), and Lexi came up Labor Day weekend and we visited Temple Square. It was nice and I hope to be able to see it again soon. That night that they were here they met Stuart and that seemed to go pretty well. I took Lexi up to Rexburg (things have changed up there!).

Stuart's EMT-IA program started and I saw very little of him. He kinda broke up with me through texting one day but a few days later we talked and figured it all out. That Sunday night Keim and I went down to Ceder City and Saint George where I met her family and we visited Rachel. We spent those few days of vacation just relaxing. It was nice to get away and just doing nothing. On the way back on Wednesday night, we stopped in Ceder where we had dinner with her family. Then on our way back to Orem, we talked almost the entire way (the first half hour or so she talked to her boyfriend while I read my book haha). We talked about how I was feeling about the relationship Stuart and I had. I had the feeling for a little bit that he could be the right guy but it wasn't the right time yet. By the end of our conversation, I had decided that I was going to pray about what I should do: stay together to wait for the right time or break up to wait for the right time. After I prayed hard about it, I came to the conclusion that either option would be a good solution. I decided that since it was about the two of us, that I would talk with Stuart about it and see what we as a couple would want to do. I didn't have a chance to see him until that Friday night after work. I didn't get to his place until almost 10pm and I didn't end up talking to him about it that night because a)his roommates would walk through the living room and b) after 10pm isn't a good time to have a serious conversation with him-it's too late for him haha.

Sunday night, I received an email from him. It said that he did love me but not the way that he should. He said that he didn't want to date anymore. He said that he wasn't happy and that he wanted to be my friend but understood if I didn't. He also apologized that it was in an email but when I was around he didn't have the heart to do it. Monday after institue, I was able to meet up with him and talk about it all. I had no intention of trying to get back together, but just to talk about it. He explained more and said that he wasn't happy because he couldn't see me everyday like he wanted to. He said that he knew I couldn't really be happy not being able to see him and that he wanted me to be happy. He said that school was his number 1 priority and that he needed to focus on it so that he could have a good career so that he would be able to support his family. He added that he wasn't saying that I wouldn't possibly be a part of that family, but right now he needed to focus on school. I explained to him about the conversation that Keim and I had and we both felt good about breaking up.

That week I texted him only once and it was just a message saying that I hoped he was having a good week and that if he needed anything to let me know. I missed him though and wanted to be honest with him. I wanted to text him but I wanted to do it at a time where I knew that he would see it and have time to reply so I waited. Monday came and on my walk back from institute I got tired so I decided to take a break. He had institute at the same time as I did with a break after so I thought it was a good time to text him. I told him that I knew that our breaking up was a good thing but that I missed him. The conversation that followed was completely not what I expected it to be.

To cut the texting conversation short, what it came down to was that all he wants is action (I'm not spelling it out for you haha). I was so shocked (and I shocked myself at how I responded to his messages-I had attitude!). He literally said (and I quote) "Here it is i need to focus on school but i want to fool around with you as a distraction :) and when im where i need to be we can became official" He meant become but whatever. The smily face is what boggles my mind. He thought I'd actually be ok with that?? I dumped that jerk of a man like a heavy rock into a river. I blocked him on Facebook and google chat, deleted every email, and every picture. I even changed my phone number. I never want to speak to him again. He might have been kidding but I don't care. I don't want to be with someone who kids like that. The only way he can contact me is if he shows up at my apartment door and if he does he will be turned away with a strong message basically saying to leave me alone.

I don't miss him at all. It hurts that he didn't really care about me at all. It hurts when I see his name (I dialed at work that other day and I had one respondent named Stewart and another with the last name Reynolds and I ached inside just from the name-not because I miss him but because of what he did to me). What I do miss though, is having a boyfriend. I was happy before I had a boyfriend so now I'm working on being happy single again. Life is good and there is someone out there who is a million times better than that jerk. I just gotta find him :)

:D

I don't really have time for detail, but I had my first kiss on Tuesday night and it was amazing! Just thought I'd update you all :) I'll post the story later if anyone wants to know. Just comment and tell me if you want the story :)

Oh the Irony!!

So I went over to Stuart's place tonight. We made some dinner and watched the church movie Turn Around. It wasn't a lot, but it was nice. I decided today that if he tried to kiss me I would let him. In fact, I almost wanted him to. He is such a teaser though! He would get close to kissing me then back off. I was the one who was nervous and scared to be kissed but now that I'm ready, he's nervous cuz I've never kissed anyone before. When he walked me to my car, he was so close then said good night and said we had to wait for a special time. I turned on my car and the song on the radio was This Kiss by Faith Hill. I was like seriously?? How ironic is that??

Flive!

I know it's been forever since I've posted. Sorry, I've been thinking about posting but just haven't had too much to post about till recently. So, Thursday after having a glory day of going to the temple with Rachel, she get's a call from the place where she interviewed and they said that the person that had filled the position moved up so the position she interviewed for was open and they offered it to her. They wanted her to fill out all the papers on Friday. The next day! We ended up staying up till 3am packing up all her stuff. Friday, we got up, ate, packed the car, and she left. It's sad but happy at the same time. I'm used to being with her pretty much all day every day so it's just odd not seeing her around and having the room look so bare. And not having someone to talk to pretty much all day. Or stay up late talking about anything from spiritual experiences to boys (often both haha). I'll miss having her as a roommate but I wouldn't trade the time for anything. I learned so much from her it's crazy. Love ya Rachel!

So since I've moved into this apartment, I've learned about flive. Keim has a great explanation for it so I'm going to try to do it on here :)

Over here----------------------Smack in---------------------------Way over

you got-------------------------the middle --------------------------here you

just friends---------------------is like like---------------------------got love

                                           This space right here ^^ is what we call flive

It's when you're past like like and am reaching out towards love but you're scared to touch it cuz it's scary.

Well, I flive Stuart (if you couldn't guess that from me bringing it up and explaining it). Friday night after work I went to his apartment and we just hung out, ate, and talked. We talked about our relationship and decided that we do want to be in a relationship again. We're not going to post it on Facebook or anything yet, but we're both happy with it :) He did try to kiss me but I'm still not ready so I didn't let him. I saw him on Saturday for like 10 minutes (which isn't very long but it's enough for me when we're both busy). Today, after church I did dishes then checked my phone and he said I should come over so I did. He made a homestyle bake chicken and dumplings thing for dinner (the one from the box) which was totally nice of him and it was good. We just hung out and talked. He did try to kiss me again but he knows I'm nervous and not ready and he isn't pushy about it. He doesn't try too hard; I don't feel pressured into it. It seems like he's just checking to see if I'm ready. I'm so happy. I haven't seen him more than once a week ever and I got to see him 3 days in a row! GLORY!! :D

Well, I hope this update was good. I'll probably update again soon since I had a really good day at church today. I would talk about it on this post but I'm super tired and going to go to sleep. Thanks for reading :)

Discoveries

Being from San Diego, I grew up with In 'N Out Burger. Even when I didn't like hamburgers (I know, I was a crazy kid) I still liked going there. I would just get a grilled cheese off the "secret menu." I hadn't been there in a long time and had been craving it so on Tuesday when Stuart sent me my "Good morning" text, I asked if he wanted to go. We met up at In 'N Out, ate lunch, then hung out while he did his laundry until I had to go to work. It was nice that we were able to hang out and just talk even though he's been real busy with studying. This morning, he took the written portion of his emt test and passed! The physical is next Saturday but I don't think he'll have a problem at all with that.

Anyone ever heard of this book?

The website has a quiz you can take to see what your love language is, and I found out that my primary love language is Quality Time which made what's been going on between Stuart and I make more sense. I know he's busy and such but I keep getting frustrated that I can't see him. Even just two hours we spent together on Tuesday was nice. Even just a little time together is good. I just have to be patient.

I feel like my personality is kinda hypocritical. I don't care what people think of me, yet I have a need for acceptance. I don't like being the center of attention, yet I have a need to have attention. I'm completely fine on my own, yet I don't like being left out or left alone. I don't understand it. Since I moved to Orem, I've discovered this and more about myself, but I don't know what to do about it. It's frustrating. I try to be the best person I can be, but personally I don't see any progress. To me, it seems like every step I try to take forward is 5 steps backward. The harder I try, the further back I go. I feel like I'm a burden and an annoyance to people. Maybe it's all in my head, maybe it's not, but either way, that's how I feel.

Conversations and Misunderstandings

Ok readers, you're probably wondering what's going on now. Especially if you read my Facebook status the past few days. Although I was glad that I had broken it off with Stuart, I still was not used to not talking to him at least sometimes and I was trying to get used to not having him in my life. It was not easy, but I stuck to my decision and did not contact him. He was on my mind every day (not by choice; he would just randomly come into my mind a lot) but I stuck to it and didn't contact him (even though I deleted his number out of my phone, his number was still on my recent contact list for text messages). Thursday I had been doing better than any other day that week. I barely thought of him at all. I was monitoring at work and I get a text from a number not in my phone. It was him. I just knew it was. I didn't have his number memorized, but I recognized it. He told me "I could really use a hug" and I didn't know what to think. I thought if I just ignored it, he would get the hint. He sent that message at 9, but at 10:15 he sent anther message saying "I really do miss you and love you. There was no good reason for me to lie to your friend about our relationship." By this time, I didn't know what to think. On the day that I had thought about him the least, he went and texted me. I was just confused and didn't even want to deal with it. I didn't respond because I didn't know what to say. I tried talking to a couple friends but they all said that I had to make a decision if I wanted to talk to him or not. I knew it was my choice, but I just wanted to cry cuz I didn't want to even think about it. I prayed that night to help me to know what to do.

I woke up in the morning and decided to get some advice from my mom. I called her and left her a message asking her to call me back before work. She advised me to pray about it and follow the council I receive. Well, since I had prayed about it the night before, I thought seriously about whether I wanted to give Stuart another chance or not and what I should do. Well, after thinking for a while, I decided to respond (it was like 1:40 the next afternoon and I decided that if I was going to reply, I needed to do it soon cuz it had been over 12 hours since he had texted me). So I apologized for taking so long to respond, and said that I understood what he was saying but asked how I can trust what he's telling me is true. We had a short texting conversation and basically, he said he was sorry and I told him was willing to give him another chance but we had to do it right. We decided a time and place to meet up and talk on Saturday at 6 after I got off work.

Friday night, I went to an institute dance with my roommates. We walked over since it is just across campus and we wouldn't have to worry about parking. Well, before even leaving the complex, I hurt my foot. It's complicated to explain in text. It's way easier to explain (and understand) in person where I can demonstrate what I did. After a bit of research, I decided that I either sprained or strained the side of my foot. I still went to the dance, but it was not as fun as it could have been cuz I was in pain. Anyway, the point of saying that was that I had iced my foot all during work and it hurt to walk to far so there was no way that I was going to walk to meet up with Stuart (we were meeting at the UVU library which is completely walking distance but I was not about to do that in pain). So I decided to drive over. Rachel and I got off work at 3:30 and came back. After eating and finishing getting ready for the day (we were not about to get completely ready before work cuz we had to be IN Spanish Fork at 8am) it was only 5:30. I talked with Rachel and Taliah for a few minutes, but I was just too anxious so I headed over early. I got to the parking lot at 5:45 and had a silent prayer in my car that everything would go the way that it needed to go. We had originally planned to meet outside but since it was hot, I went inside the library where he had been studying and we talked there.

The talk was way good. He expressed how he's been feeling and I told him that I understood the pressure he felt with his studying and everything but told him how I was feeling. We talked about the 2 times that we had met up before and how each of us felt about those times. Turns out, that we were both feeling basically the same way. The day he came over to my apartment, he felt intimidated being in my apartment where it was him, me, and my two roommates who are good friends of mine. He thought that I wanted him to kiss me and I thought that he wanted to kiss me. Turns out that we basically just had communication issues (that seems to be our main issue). I told him that I was in no way ready for him to kiss me and he was so relieved. We talked about what each of us want to do about us and we're on the same page. What I thought we should do, he agreed that those were good things and vise versa when he was telling me what he thought. We both need to be patient with each other and work on our communication. We decided that we are not going to communicate online for a while, but just talk using the phone and in person. At least for a while, we're going to not spend time at each others places so that we can become more comfortable with each other and neither of us will feel intimidated. He understands how I feel about how much physical contact I am comfortable with. He said that he wants to have a relationship with me, but right now he's not quite ready for a romantic relationship. He also said that he told Bri what he did because he felt that she was too involved. I know that I have asked her for advice many times, but I don't really know all of what she and him have talked about. All I know is when she tells me what they talk about on occasion. I know that he's asked her also for advice, but he's never told me what they talk about. I told him that if he wants me to know about things, he needs to tell me. He isn't dating another girl; the other girl is just in his ward and decided that the two of them needed to have a DTR even though all he did was take her to the doctor. Needless to say, we have to work on our communication (hence staying away from online conversations for a while).

I'm still not ready to open up completely yet. He's gotta earn that. I was hurt (he knows it) and I don't want to get hurt again. He's gotta show that he is worth me giving him another chance. I'm not as vulnerable as I was before. I learned a lot about myself from having a "relationship" with him and it's going to be beneficial in the future.

The End of the Relationship

Hey all! So as some of you know, Stuart and I are done. The end. Finished! Before I explain the entire story, I just want to preface that I am completely and totally fine. I ended it. Ok here goes:

So he's been wishy-washy lately (like since before he even moved to Utah) and it's been giving me whiplash. He goes from giving me lots of attention to not much at all, sometimes even not talking to me at all. He would never explain why he would act way even when I would ask about it. He would just tell me that he didn't want to talk about it or just ignore the question.

I was so excited for him to move here and we could actually have a relationship. He finally moved in on a Tuesday and although I wanted to and tried, we didn't get to meet till that Saturday. Honestly, that day was great. It wasn't awkward at all and the amount of contact was perfectly fine. He doesn't even like country music and he came (it was Carrie Underwood singing).

Rachel and I went with a bunch of people from our ward and camped out on University Avenue on Sunday night to save our spot for the parade on Monday morning. I invited him to come since there was about half girls and half boys in the group. He never answered. So Monday morning, I texted him and told him that he should come sit and watch the parade with me but he said that he had to study so he couldn't. When I asked when I could see him again he said that it'd probably have to be the next week cuz he had a lot of studying to do. I was kinda upset about that but I knew he was busy.

Wednesday I invited him over to my apartment for lunch on Thursday but he said that he couldn't do Thursday and that it'd have to be Friday. Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, we barely spoke to each other. Thursday, he texted me at like 8am teasing me that I should wake up. I ended up not being able to go to sleep and asked him what was up and he never answered. I told him that a couple of my roommates were going to the temple and I was going to go with but study outside cuz I can't find my recommend. He asked why I couldn't find it and that was the last I heard from him all day. When I went to bed that night, I still was not certain that he was coming over since I had not heard from him all day. I woke up Friday morning and got online. Luckily he was on and he said that yes he was coming and I told him that I would have it ready by 12. I got everything cooking and at about 11:45 he texted me and asked if he could come at 12:30. Needless to say, all the food was done at the same time at 12 (exactly. which is quite an accomplishment for me) and he came by 12:30. We ate and talked but the entire time, it seemed like he couldn't keep his hands off me. It was never inappropriate, but it was pretty constant. It was too much and made me feel kinda uncomfortable. At one point, he was even playing with my ear (that was really weird and I was like uh...what are you doing? Ya, it was weird). I even asked about what happened on Thursday and he basically just brushed it off. Didn't explain why (which was NOT the first time he did that) We planned to meet up after work on that day, but he ended up having to clean and I needed to go to bed on time for work on Saturday morning. On the way to work, Rachel and I talked about Stuart and I and I had decided to talk to him about everything that I was feeling (including the amount of touching, how I felt like I was getting whiplash, and how he wouldn't explain about when he wouldn't talk to me).

Saturday, I decided I would let him initiate the conversation for the day, but of course he never did. So at about 5 I texted him and asked what he was doing but he didn't respond. A couple hours later I asked him if he could come over and his response was "Not tonight. Studying hard." I was pretty upset (well frustrated is a better word) and didn't want to get mad at him so I just didn't reply. Sunday I texted him before going to church and asked if we could talk in person after church. I'm tired of just strictly virtual conversations so I wanted to make sure he understood that I wanted to talk in person. He never answered me. I decided that I wouldn't initiate any conversation until he did cuz I was tired of not getting responded to.

Well, yesterday, we had a whole bunch of people over and we decided to watch Errand of Angels. The movie wasn't on for very long when my phone started ringing and it was Bri. I told her that I was busy but I'd call her later. But then she said that it was kinda an emergency so I got out of the mess of the living room and went into my room. I called her back and she started to tell me about how she and Stuart were chatting on Facebook and asked if I really wanted to know even if it was bad. Of course I wanted to know so we spent a long time talking on the phone with Bri, Sophie, and I. Long long conversation shortened, he said that he was casually dating this other girl (which was fine since we had talked about dating other people) but he didn't plan on telling me about it at all. He also said that we never cuddled or held hands (unless you counted him helping off the ground-according to him) and that we talked all the time (which we haven't since he's been in Utah). He also said that there never was a relationship between him and I but he wasn't going to end it. Oh and that Bri pushed him and I together. By the end of the phone conversation, I was fuming. All Sunday, I had debated back and forth between cutting it off and trying to fix it. But this was the topper on the cake to cut it off. While I was on the phone with Bri, I texted him and said "I'm done. I'm tired of being treated like crap. I see you and ten I don't hear from you and you don't explain why. You want to date others but then you cuddle with me and say you love me. I'm done. I deserve better." I didn't expect him to respond but he did. He said "Ok..." then "I'm sorry...I do love you...I just want to be sure can't things." What that meant, I wasn't really sure. Then I said "No. I'm done. I can't handle this anymore. I'm tired of it and I'm done. Bri told me about the crap you told her and don't try to deny what you told her." Then he said "Ok sorry." I thought that was the end of it. I went online and blocked him from Google chat, Facebook, and Skype. I felt so much better. I can't even begin to describe how I felt. The only way I can explain it is that it felt like 10 pounds of bricks were lifted off of me but it was way better than that. That feeling confirmed to me that what I was doing was right.

This morning, he texted me and we had a long texting conversation. Rachel was there for the whole thing and helped me word things sometimes and made sure that I stuck to my guns. It went as follows:

S: He, do you really feel that way? Or are you just upset

A (Rachel stole my phone out of my hands and texted this but made sure it was ok before sending it): I really feel that way. Please just leave me alone. I don't want anything to do with you any more."

S: Ok. I'm sorry for causing you pain

A: I wish I could believe you

S: I just need time to figure out things in my side. I really do love you. I'm sorry for hurting you

A: Since when does figuring things out mean lying to people about our relationship?

S:I thought we were not dating....

A: What about holding hands, cuddling, and how we've barely spoken since you got here

S: I like you...I'm just very out of my zone...

A: No no. Answer the question

S: I am just scared

A: Your scared of telling the truth??

S: no I am worried about being in a relationship

A: That still doesn't explain why your lying to people

S: Because I'm insecure

A: I date men who aren't ashamed to be with me not boys who lie and act bipolar with me

S: I'm not ashamed. I'm scared that you will die on me.. (He and I talked a while ago about how I will die before whoever I marry)

A: You're still not answering my question on why you lied

S: I don't know

A: Well looks like we both have a lot to figure out in life. It's probably best that we end here. I hope everything works out for you (While I was typing that, he said "And I'm so not bipolar" and I said "Well you act like that with me")

S: I really want to kiss you and be with you. It's not cut and dry with me. Please just give me time.

A: I've given you plenty of time. I've given you lots of chances. I can't wait anymore

S: I just got to utah...

A: Ya you've been here for 2 weeks and I've seen you twice. We've barely spoken. I see you then I don't hear from you. You act like I mean everything to you when your around but then you won't talk to me and won't explain why. Your casually dating this other girl yet when your with me you can't keep your hands off me. Then you tell Bri that we haven't cuddled or held hands. That is total crap and I'm tired of it (while I was typing that he said "I'm nervous about being here, emt, my drivers license, a job.....)

S: Your my first mormon relationship

A: What's that supposed to mean?

S: Look it's been years since I been in a meaningful relationship...I have never dated a mormon woman before

A: I understand but that doesn't change that you lied. You keep giving me excuses that make no sense

S: :( I don't know what to do or say. I am going to miss you. What should I do if I see you?

A: We'll cross that bridge when we come to it

S: I wish you could see that I do really love you. I'm just terrified

A: If you love me, why did you lie?

S: Because I'm scared. I lied because the one relationship where she meant the world to me ended horribly wrong. I'm scared crapless (sensored) about making the same mistake twice. I almost didn't survive the first time

A: I don't appreciate the language. And that makes no sense to me. That just seems like another excuse

S: I don't know how to make it more simple

A: We obviously have communication issues. Another reason to end right here

S: Aren't we supposed to work on that

A: When all our relationship is virtual and your not making much effort to work on it in person, it doesn't work very well and I'm done trying

S: I am. But if you truly want it over than I'll never talk to you or your friends ever again

A: I don't want to end this on a sour note. Thanks for helping me learn more about myself and I hope things work out for you

S: They won't twenty five years they have never worked out

A: Well, if you have that attitude, fine. Goodbye

S: Stop. Look I messed up. And I'm trying to make i right

A: Stuart, you don't seem to understand. You say your trying but I don't see any evidence of that. I'm tired of being the one who puts all the effort into this and getting emotionally pushed around. It's too much for me

S: am I not being (he meant begging) and pleading for you to give me a second chance

A: I feel like I've already given you not only a second chance but many more chances. This relationship has been much harder than I've let on

S: Why didn't you tell me :(

A: That's something I've wanted to talk to you about but I've tried to get to talk to you in person but you never would respond

S: I'm so sorry amanda...You deserve better I'll leave you alone

And I left it there. I wanted to have the last word but I tried to end the convo numerous times but he would always respond so I just let him have the last word. I am happy it's over. I really am. And I'm completely fine. Besides, I realized that he had way to much power over my emotions. I'm much happier now and I know this is how things are supposed to go. Wow this was a really long post so I'm going to end here.

Insert Creative Title Here

Isn't that awesome! I have my own spot at work! (PS the lines on the computer are a result of taking pictures of a computer screen)

Yesterday, my manager came up to me while I was working and asked me if I had a few minutes. I of course said yes and followed him into his office. Then he interviewed me to be a supervisor! I think it went pretty well. It helps that I am available for all the shifts and am flexible in my position and pay. He said that he'll make a decision by the end of the week and he'll train me himself. If I get the job, I'll be trained by the end of next week. I really really hope I get this. It would be dependable hours and although the pay isn't too different than what I already have, I'll get more hours. I might have to work some Sundays but it's not for sure yet.

I still haven't seen Stuart yet since Saturday, but we've talked. He's been really busy studying for his EMT test. I invited him over for lunch but he said that he's busy tomorrow so it'll have to be on Friday. So the next time I see him will be on Friday. I decided that he needs to get this test over with cuz it's interfering with getting to know each other in person :P I'm just kidding. I'm trying to be patient. I realized today though, that he's trying to be responsible and study for his test and I'm not helping with trying to get him to spend time with me. Now I feel like a jerk. So I'm just going to let him study. He knows that I want to see him so I'll be patient.

A couple of my roomies go to institue on Wednesday nights so I decided to start going with them. It's from 5:15-6:45 so Rachel and I aren't going to work today. Next week we'll go though. At least after. The work schedule is changing so we'll work at least from 7-10 if not before. But that also depends on if I get promoted. If I do get the position, I might not be able to go. All depends on if I get scheduled for Wednesdays or not.

Well, I think I've caught you up to life and I've run out of things to say so I'm gonna end here :)