Sick and Blogging

So I want to write a blog post but I don't know what to write about haha. And I'm sick so I don't really wanna do much but blogging sounded fun but I'm just out of ideas to write on. Oh wait! I know what to write!

So I've always been terrified of needles right? I was the kid who when I got shots, I would just give Dad a big hug and look away. I would cry even before they poked me. Even when I was a teenager I wanted to hold Dad but I was too old. I had a hepatitis booster shot and complained the whole day about my arm hurting. When I had my back surgery my sophomore year of high school, they gave me an IV and I cried. My parents were just like calm down it's just an IV. I really just hate needles. In high school when we reached the age that we could donate blood, everyone was like I'm donating and I'm just like uh ya right not gonna happen. Besides, I didn't weigh enough. That was my excuse at least. And I thought I couldn't donate since growing up I was always told that my mom didn't donate cuz she couldn't. I assumed that I couldn't either.

Then I move to Utah and my stake has a huge blood drive. I was talking to Rachel about how I would but I don't think I can blah blah blah and she was like well do you know that for sure and I was like well no I'll find out. I called Dad and since he didn't answer I called aunt Shelly and she said the only reason Mom couldn't was cuz of some of the medications she was on and cuz of her sleep machine thingy. As long as I weighed enough and was qualified under the under requirements, I could donate. So I went with Rachel and was all psyched up to donate. But they turned us away cuz they had too many people!

Now I am service co-chair in my ward and the stake was having another huge blood drive and I was like I am going to donate this time! I wasn't even scared at all to do it. But then I got a cold and when the lady called me to set up my appointment she was like can't donate if you're sick and I was like DOOM!! Now I really wanna donate and am super sad that I haven't been able to yet. What the heck?!? I'm finally ready and I can't. How ironic.

2 days!!

2 days until

And

I love my family and can't wait to go home and see them!! :D

Tribute to Apt 30

Life is changing so fast. I've lived in apartment 30 for 5 months but it seems like so much longer. Last weekend, the lovely Rena coordinated an apartment day. We had such a blast! We took pictures which was so fun and much needed! Rachel came up and spent the weekend with us. It was glory :)

This is 4 of the current 6

Summer 2010 group

Everyone

Rachel and I

Kyla and I

We took individuals too (and yes, my hair is darker - Liz dyed it for me)

Kyla and Kim are moving out in a month and I decided to change apartments so I'm doing that in the beginning of January. No more climbing 49 stairs! I'll only have to go up 14 haha. I have loved my time in apartment 30 and the girls from it! I wouldn't change my time here with them for anything. Climbing the 4 flights of stairs multiple times daily was completely worth it!

Thank you girls so much! Love you all!!

Stalker Status

So I completely ended it with Stuart a month ago right? Well on the 23rd, he emailed me saying "Hi. I didn't get into medic school. How are you?" Seriously? Do he not get it?? Wow! I tried to set my email to forward his emails right back to him but it backfired cuz it sent him a confirmation email. Then he sent me 3 more emails asking why I was forwarding my email to him. I changed the settings to send his emails straight to the trash box. I thought that it was over then. But no! Lexi called me yesterday and told me that he messaged her on Facebook (they were friends but they aren't anymore) saying that he misses me. It was one thing by emailing me but once he contacts family members, that crosses the line! I talked to some roommates and to co-workers and I decided to email him a polite threat. Not long before I sent it though, he emailed me again saying "Please talk to me." In my head I was like uh....no! but I just sent him this email:


Stuart,
Although I appreciate the time that we had together, I meant it when I said that I am moving on. I have gotten your emails but I did not reply because I don't have any desire to be in contact with you at this point in my life because I feel that I was mislead as to the nature of our relationship. Please do not contact me or any member of my family again or I will take further action.
Amanda


I haven't heard from him since. On top of that though, my roommate is a manager at dollar tree in provo and she told me that within this month he has come in there (he has only seen her twice with me so he doesn't really know her). One of the times that he went there she was a cashier and he was there with a girl. She said that she could tell they were together. I'm just like wow dude. Seriously? If you are with another girl and trying to talk to me, you're cheating on her. I don't want you dude!


Some where there is someone far better than that jerk but until then I just have to be patient :)

Music!

So...I love music! I listen to it every day without fail and for most of the day. I like to say that I have a musically programed brain. Often times I have trouble putting into words my feelings but I can describe it through music. I went to an institute dance beginning of this month and they played this song:



I turned to Kyla and was like this so describes my life with Stuart! Then I heard this song:



And I realized that this describes how Stuart would act! Ugh I'm so glad that I'm done with him. Ps, he decided to email me the other day. No worries, I haven't responded to him at all. All he said in the email was that he didn't get into medic school and asked how I was doing. I changed my email settings to send his emails straight to my trash box. Grr. Anyways...

I went to a work dance and heard this song:



I love it!! I want someone like that you loves me just the way I am and tells me. I so deserve way better than I had with Stuart and I didn't realize at the time what I was missing but now that it's over I realize how un-happy I really was. I was just infatuated with having him that I was blinded by it all.

Special disclosure to my blog readers, I am working on writing a song. I figured that since my brain works best through music, I would write out my feelings. I haven't told many that I am doing this, but I am really working on it. When I get it written and recorded on my computer, I'll post it on here :)

Long Overdue (disclaimer-LONG story!)

This post is way past overdue. SOO much has happened since my last post, it's ridiculous. So, first off, you guys wanted my first kiss story so here it is :) I wanted him to come over but he said that he didn't have gas to come so I decided to go pick him up and bring him back. I went over there but we ended up staying at his place and watching this show that he likes. Twice he kissed me on the corner of my mouth teasingly then he turned my face and kissed me. I didn't really know what I was doing but it was nice. I was glad that I knew the way home though cuz I was on auto pilot haha. Except I was paying attention cuz there was a deer on University Avenue! Crazy!

Mom, Julie (Mom's sister), and Lexi came up Labor Day weekend and we visited Temple Square. It was nice and I hope to be able to see it again soon. That night that they were here they met Stuart and that seemed to go pretty well. I took Lexi up to Rexburg (things have changed up there!).

Stuart's EMT-IA program started and I saw very little of him. He kinda broke up with me through texting one day but a few days later we talked and figured it all out. That Sunday night Keim and I went down to Ceder City and Saint George where I met her family and we visited Rachel. We spent those few days of vacation just relaxing. It was nice to get away and just doing nothing. On the way back on Wednesday night, we stopped in Ceder where we had dinner with her family. Then on our way back to Orem, we talked almost the entire way (the first half hour or so she talked to her boyfriend while I read my book haha). We talked about how I was feeling about the relationship Stuart and I had. I had the feeling for a little bit that he could be the right guy but it wasn't the right time yet. By the end of our conversation, I had decided that I was going to pray about what I should do: stay together to wait for the right time or break up to wait for the right time. After I prayed hard about it, I came to the conclusion that either option would be a good solution. I decided that since it was about the two of us, that I would talk with Stuart about it and see what we as a couple would want to do. I didn't have a chance to see him until that Friday night after work. I didn't get to his place until almost 10pm and I didn't end up talking to him about it that night because a)his roommates would walk through the living room and b) after 10pm isn't a good time to have a serious conversation with him-it's too late for him haha.

Sunday night, I received an email from him. It said that he did love me but not the way that he should. He said that he didn't want to date anymore. He said that he wasn't happy and that he wanted to be my friend but understood if I didn't. He also apologized that it was in an email but when I was around he didn't have the heart to do it. Monday after institue, I was able to meet up with him and talk about it all. I had no intention of trying to get back together, but just to talk about it. He explained more and said that he wasn't happy because he couldn't see me everyday like he wanted to. He said that he knew I couldn't really be happy not being able to see him and that he wanted me to be happy. He said that school was his number 1 priority and that he needed to focus on it so that he could have a good career so that he would be able to support his family. He added that he wasn't saying that I wouldn't possibly be a part of that family, but right now he needed to focus on school. I explained to him about the conversation that Keim and I had and we both felt good about breaking up.

That week I texted him only once and it was just a message saying that I hoped he was having a good week and that if he needed anything to let me know. I missed him though and wanted to be honest with him. I wanted to text him but I wanted to do it at a time where I knew that he would see it and have time to reply so I waited. Monday came and on my walk back from institute I got tired so I decided to take a break. He had institute at the same time as I did with a break after so I thought it was a good time to text him. I told him that I knew that our breaking up was a good thing but that I missed him. The conversation that followed was completely not what I expected it to be.

To cut the texting conversation short, what it came down to was that all he wants is action (I'm not spelling it out for you haha). I was so shocked (and I shocked myself at how I responded to his messages-I had attitude!). He literally said (and I quote) "Here it is i need to focus on school but i want to fool around with you as a distraction :) and when im where i need to be we can became official" He meant become but whatever. The smily face is what boggles my mind. He thought I'd actually be ok with that?? I dumped that jerk of a man like a heavy rock into a river. I blocked him on Facebook and google chat, deleted every email, and every picture. I even changed my phone number. I never want to speak to him again. He might have been kidding but I don't care. I don't want to be with someone who kids like that. The only way he can contact me is if he shows up at my apartment door and if he does he will be turned away with a strong message basically saying to leave me alone.

I don't miss him at all. It hurts that he didn't really care about me at all. It hurts when I see his name (I dialed at work that other day and I had one respondent named Stewart and another with the last name Reynolds and I ached inside just from the name-not because I miss him but because of what he did to me). What I do miss though, is having a boyfriend. I was happy before I had a boyfriend so now I'm working on being happy single again. Life is good and there is someone out there who is a million times better than that jerk. I just gotta find him :)

:D

I don't really have time for detail, but I had my first kiss on Tuesday night and it was amazing! Just thought I'd update you all :) I'll post the story later if anyone wants to know. Just comment and tell me if you want the story :)

Oh the Irony!!

So I went over to Stuart's place tonight. We made some dinner and watched the church movie Turn Around. It wasn't a lot, but it was nice. I decided today that if he tried to kiss me I would let him. In fact, I almost wanted him to. He is such a teaser though! He would get close to kissing me then back off. I was the one who was nervous and scared to be kissed but now that I'm ready, he's nervous cuz I've never kissed anyone before. When he walked me to my car, he was so close then said good night and said we had to wait for a special time. I turned on my car and the song on the radio was This Kiss by Faith Hill. I was like seriously?? How ironic is that??

Flive!

I know it's been forever since I've posted. Sorry, I've been thinking about posting but just haven't had too much to post about till recently. So, Thursday after having a glory day of going to the temple with Rachel, she get's a call from the place where she interviewed and they said that the person that had filled the position moved up so the position she interviewed for was open and they offered it to her. They wanted her to fill out all the papers on Friday. The next day! We ended up staying up till 3am packing up all her stuff. Friday, we got up, ate, packed the car, and she left. It's sad but happy at the same time. I'm used to being with her pretty much all day every day so it's just odd not seeing her around and having the room look so bare. And not having someone to talk to pretty much all day. Or stay up late talking about anything from spiritual experiences to boys (often both haha). I'll miss having her as a roommate but I wouldn't trade the time for anything. I learned so much from her it's crazy. Love ya Rachel!

So since I've moved into this apartment, I've learned about flive. Keim has a great explanation for it so I'm going to try to do it on here :)

Over here----------------------Smack in---------------------------Way over

you got-------------------------the middle --------------------------here you

just friends---------------------is like like---------------------------got love

                                           This space right here ^^ is what we call flive

It's when you're past like like and am reaching out towards love but you're scared to touch it cuz it's scary.

Well, I flive Stuart (if you couldn't guess that from me bringing it up and explaining it). Friday night after work I went to his apartment and we just hung out, ate, and talked. We talked about our relationship and decided that we do want to be in a relationship again. We're not going to post it on Facebook or anything yet, but we're both happy with it :) He did try to kiss me but I'm still not ready so I didn't let him. I saw him on Saturday for like 10 minutes (which isn't very long but it's enough for me when we're both busy). Today, after church I did dishes then checked my phone and he said I should come over so I did. He made a homestyle bake chicken and dumplings thing for dinner (the one from the box) which was totally nice of him and it was good. We just hung out and talked. He did try to kiss me again but he knows I'm nervous and not ready and he isn't pushy about it. He doesn't try too hard; I don't feel pressured into it. It seems like he's just checking to see if I'm ready. I'm so happy. I haven't seen him more than once a week ever and I got to see him 3 days in a row! GLORY!! :D

Well, I hope this update was good. I'll probably update again soon since I had a really good day at church today. I would talk about it on this post but I'm super tired and going to go to sleep. Thanks for reading :)

Discoveries

Being from San Diego, I grew up with In 'N Out Burger. Even when I didn't like hamburgers (I know, I was a crazy kid) I still liked going there. I would just get a grilled cheese off the "secret menu." I hadn't been there in a long time and had been craving it so on Tuesday when Stuart sent me my "Good morning" text, I asked if he wanted to go. We met up at In 'N Out, ate lunch, then hung out while he did his laundry until I had to go to work. It was nice that we were able to hang out and just talk even though he's been real busy with studying. This morning, he took the written portion of his emt test and passed! The physical is next Saturday but I don't think he'll have a problem at all with that.

Anyone ever heard of this book?

The website has a quiz you can take to see what your love language is, and I found out that my primary love language is Quality Time which made what's been going on between Stuart and I make more sense. I know he's busy and such but I keep getting frustrated that I can't see him. Even just two hours we spent together on Tuesday was nice. Even just a little time together is good. I just have to be patient.

I feel like my personality is kinda hypocritical. I don't care what people think of me, yet I have a need for acceptance. I don't like being the center of attention, yet I have a need to have attention. I'm completely fine on my own, yet I don't like being left out or left alone. I don't understand it. Since I moved to Orem, I've discovered this and more about myself, but I don't know what to do about it. It's frustrating. I try to be the best person I can be, but personally I don't see any progress. To me, it seems like every step I try to take forward is 5 steps backward. The harder I try, the further back I go. I feel like I'm a burden and an annoyance to people. Maybe it's all in my head, maybe it's not, but either way, that's how I feel.

Conversations and Misunderstandings

Ok readers, you're probably wondering what's going on now. Especially if you read my Facebook status the past few days. Although I was glad that I had broken it off with Stuart, I still was not used to not talking to him at least sometimes and I was trying to get used to not having him in my life. It was not easy, but I stuck to my decision and did not contact him. He was on my mind every day (not by choice; he would just randomly come into my mind a lot) but I stuck to it and didn't contact him (even though I deleted his number out of my phone, his number was still on my recent contact list for text messages). Thursday I had been doing better than any other day that week. I barely thought of him at all. I was monitoring at work and I get a text from a number not in my phone. It was him. I just knew it was. I didn't have his number memorized, but I recognized it. He told me "I could really use a hug" and I didn't know what to think. I thought if I just ignored it, he would get the hint. He sent that message at 9, but at 10:15 he sent anther message saying "I really do miss you and love you. There was no good reason for me to lie to your friend about our relationship." By this time, I didn't know what to think. On the day that I had thought about him the least, he went and texted me. I was just confused and didn't even want to deal with it. I didn't respond because I didn't know what to say. I tried talking to a couple friends but they all said that I had to make a decision if I wanted to talk to him or not. I knew it was my choice, but I just wanted to cry cuz I didn't want to even think about it. I prayed that night to help me to know what to do.

I woke up in the morning and decided to get some advice from my mom. I called her and left her a message asking her to call me back before work. She advised me to pray about it and follow the council I receive. Well, since I had prayed about it the night before, I thought seriously about whether I wanted to give Stuart another chance or not and what I should do. Well, after thinking for a while, I decided to respond (it was like 1:40 the next afternoon and I decided that if I was going to reply, I needed to do it soon cuz it had been over 12 hours since he had texted me). So I apologized for taking so long to respond, and said that I understood what he was saying but asked how I can trust what he's telling me is true. We had a short texting conversation and basically, he said he was sorry and I told him was willing to give him another chance but we had to do it right. We decided a time and place to meet up and talk on Saturday at 6 after I got off work.

Friday night, I went to an institute dance with my roommates. We walked over since it is just across campus and we wouldn't have to worry about parking. Well, before even leaving the complex, I hurt my foot. It's complicated to explain in text. It's way easier to explain (and understand) in person where I can demonstrate what I did. After a bit of research, I decided that I either sprained or strained the side of my foot. I still went to the dance, but it was not as fun as it could have been cuz I was in pain. Anyway, the point of saying that was that I had iced my foot all during work and it hurt to walk to far so there was no way that I was going to walk to meet up with Stuart (we were meeting at the UVU library which is completely walking distance but I was not about to do that in pain). So I decided to drive over. Rachel and I got off work at 3:30 and came back. After eating and finishing getting ready for the day (we were not about to get completely ready before work cuz we had to be IN Spanish Fork at 8am) it was only 5:30. I talked with Rachel and Taliah for a few minutes, but I was just too anxious so I headed over early. I got to the parking lot at 5:45 and had a silent prayer in my car that everything would go the way that it needed to go. We had originally planned to meet outside but since it was hot, I went inside the library where he had been studying and we talked there.

The talk was way good. He expressed how he's been feeling and I told him that I understood the pressure he felt with his studying and everything but told him how I was feeling. We talked about the 2 times that we had met up before and how each of us felt about those times. Turns out, that we were both feeling basically the same way. The day he came over to my apartment, he felt intimidated being in my apartment where it was him, me, and my two roommates who are good friends of mine. He thought that I wanted him to kiss me and I thought that he wanted to kiss me. Turns out that we basically just had communication issues (that seems to be our main issue). I told him that I was in no way ready for him to kiss me and he was so relieved. We talked about what each of us want to do about us and we're on the same page. What I thought we should do, he agreed that those were good things and vise versa when he was telling me what he thought. We both need to be patient with each other and work on our communication. We decided that we are not going to communicate online for a while, but just talk using the phone and in person. At least for a while, we're going to not spend time at each others places so that we can become more comfortable with each other and neither of us will feel intimidated. He understands how I feel about how much physical contact I am comfortable with. He said that he wants to have a relationship with me, but right now he's not quite ready for a romantic relationship. He also said that he told Bri what he did because he felt that she was too involved. I know that I have asked her for advice many times, but I don't really know all of what she and him have talked about. All I know is when she tells me what they talk about on occasion. I know that he's asked her also for advice, but he's never told me what they talk about. I told him that if he wants me to know about things, he needs to tell me. He isn't dating another girl; the other girl is just in his ward and decided that the two of them needed to have a DTR even though all he did was take her to the doctor. Needless to say, we have to work on our communication (hence staying away from online conversations for a while).

I'm still not ready to open up completely yet. He's gotta earn that. I was hurt (he knows it) and I don't want to get hurt again. He's gotta show that he is worth me giving him another chance. I'm not as vulnerable as I was before. I learned a lot about myself from having a "relationship" with him and it's going to be beneficial in the future.

The End of the Relationship

Hey all! So as some of you know, Stuart and I are done. The end. Finished! Before I explain the entire story, I just want to preface that I am completely and totally fine. I ended it. Ok here goes:

So he's been wishy-washy lately (like since before he even moved to Utah) and it's been giving me whiplash. He goes from giving me lots of attention to not much at all, sometimes even not talking to me at all. He would never explain why he would act way even when I would ask about it. He would just tell me that he didn't want to talk about it or just ignore the question.

I was so excited for him to move here and we could actually have a relationship. He finally moved in on a Tuesday and although I wanted to and tried, we didn't get to meet till that Saturday. Honestly, that day was great. It wasn't awkward at all and the amount of contact was perfectly fine. He doesn't even like country music and he came (it was Carrie Underwood singing).

Rachel and I went with a bunch of people from our ward and camped out on University Avenue on Sunday night to save our spot for the parade on Monday morning. I invited him to come since there was about half girls and half boys in the group. He never answered. So Monday morning, I texted him and told him that he should come sit and watch the parade with me but he said that he had to study so he couldn't. When I asked when I could see him again he said that it'd probably have to be the next week cuz he had a lot of studying to do. I was kinda upset about that but I knew he was busy.

Wednesday I invited him over to my apartment for lunch on Thursday but he said that he couldn't do Thursday and that it'd have to be Friday. Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, we barely spoke to each other. Thursday, he texted me at like 8am teasing me that I should wake up. I ended up not being able to go to sleep and asked him what was up and he never answered. I told him that a couple of my roommates were going to the temple and I was going to go with but study outside cuz I can't find my recommend. He asked why I couldn't find it and that was the last I heard from him all day. When I went to bed that night, I still was not certain that he was coming over since I had not heard from him all day. I woke up Friday morning and got online. Luckily he was on and he said that yes he was coming and I told him that I would have it ready by 12. I got everything cooking and at about 11:45 he texted me and asked if he could come at 12:30. Needless to say, all the food was done at the same time at 12 (exactly. which is quite an accomplishment for me) and he came by 12:30. We ate and talked but the entire time, it seemed like he couldn't keep his hands off me. It was never inappropriate, but it was pretty constant. It was too much and made me feel kinda uncomfortable. At one point, he was even playing with my ear (that was really weird and I was like uh...what are you doing? Ya, it was weird). I even asked about what happened on Thursday and he basically just brushed it off. Didn't explain why (which was NOT the first time he did that) We planned to meet up after work on that day, but he ended up having to clean and I needed to go to bed on time for work on Saturday morning. On the way to work, Rachel and I talked about Stuart and I and I had decided to talk to him about everything that I was feeling (including the amount of touching, how I felt like I was getting whiplash, and how he wouldn't explain about when he wouldn't talk to me).

Saturday, I decided I would let him initiate the conversation for the day, but of course he never did. So at about 5 I texted him and asked what he was doing but he didn't respond. A couple hours later I asked him if he could come over and his response was "Not tonight. Studying hard." I was pretty upset (well frustrated is a better word) and didn't want to get mad at him so I just didn't reply. Sunday I texted him before going to church and asked if we could talk in person after church. I'm tired of just strictly virtual conversations so I wanted to make sure he understood that I wanted to talk in person. He never answered me. I decided that I wouldn't initiate any conversation until he did cuz I was tired of not getting responded to.

Well, yesterday, we had a whole bunch of people over and we decided to watch Errand of Angels. The movie wasn't on for very long when my phone started ringing and it was Bri. I told her that I was busy but I'd call her later. But then she said that it was kinda an emergency so I got out of the mess of the living room and went into my room. I called her back and she started to tell me about how she and Stuart were chatting on Facebook and asked if I really wanted to know even if it was bad. Of course I wanted to know so we spent a long time talking on the phone with Bri, Sophie, and I. Long long conversation shortened, he said that he was casually dating this other girl (which was fine since we had talked about dating other people) but he didn't plan on telling me about it at all. He also said that we never cuddled or held hands (unless you counted him helping off the ground-according to him) and that we talked all the time (which we haven't since he's been in Utah). He also said that there never was a relationship between him and I but he wasn't going to end it. Oh and that Bri pushed him and I together. By the end of the phone conversation, I was fuming. All Sunday, I had debated back and forth between cutting it off and trying to fix it. But this was the topper on the cake to cut it off. While I was on the phone with Bri, I texted him and said "I'm done. I'm tired of being treated like crap. I see you and ten I don't hear from you and you don't explain why. You want to date others but then you cuddle with me and say you love me. I'm done. I deserve better." I didn't expect him to respond but he did. He said "Ok..." then "I'm sorry...I do love you...I just want to be sure can't things." What that meant, I wasn't really sure. Then I said "No. I'm done. I can't handle this anymore. I'm tired of it and I'm done. Bri told me about the crap you told her and don't try to deny what you told her." Then he said "Ok sorry." I thought that was the end of it. I went online and blocked him from Google chat, Facebook, and Skype. I felt so much better. I can't even begin to describe how I felt. The only way I can explain it is that it felt like 10 pounds of bricks were lifted off of me but it was way better than that. That feeling confirmed to me that what I was doing was right.

This morning, he texted me and we had a long texting conversation. Rachel was there for the whole thing and helped me word things sometimes and made sure that I stuck to my guns. It went as follows:

S: He, do you really feel that way? Or are you just upset

A (Rachel stole my phone out of my hands and texted this but made sure it was ok before sending it): I really feel that way. Please just leave me alone. I don't want anything to do with you any more."

S: Ok. I'm sorry for causing you pain

A: I wish I could believe you

S: I just need time to figure out things in my side. I really do love you. I'm sorry for hurting you

A: Since when does figuring things out mean lying to people about our relationship?

S:I thought we were not dating....

A: What about holding hands, cuddling, and how we've barely spoken since you got here

S: I like you...I'm just very out of my zone...

A: No no. Answer the question

S: I am just scared

A: Your scared of telling the truth??

S: no I am worried about being in a relationship

A: That still doesn't explain why your lying to people

S: Because I'm insecure

A: I date men who aren't ashamed to be with me not boys who lie and act bipolar with me

S: I'm not ashamed. I'm scared that you will die on me.. (He and I talked a while ago about how I will die before whoever I marry)

A: You're still not answering my question on why you lied

S: I don't know

A: Well looks like we both have a lot to figure out in life. It's probably best that we end here. I hope everything works out for you (While I was typing that, he said "And I'm so not bipolar" and I said "Well you act like that with me")

S: I really want to kiss you and be with you. It's not cut and dry with me. Please just give me time.

A: I've given you plenty of time. I've given you lots of chances. I can't wait anymore

S: I just got to utah...

A: Ya you've been here for 2 weeks and I've seen you twice. We've barely spoken. I see you then I don't hear from you. You act like I mean everything to you when your around but then you won't talk to me and won't explain why. Your casually dating this other girl yet when your with me you can't keep your hands off me. Then you tell Bri that we haven't cuddled or held hands. That is total crap and I'm tired of it (while I was typing that he said "I'm nervous about being here, emt, my drivers license, a job.....)

S: Your my first mormon relationship

A: What's that supposed to mean?

S: Look it's been years since I been in a meaningful relationship...I have never dated a mormon woman before

A: I understand but that doesn't change that you lied. You keep giving me excuses that make no sense

S: :( I don't know what to do or say. I am going to miss you. What should I do if I see you?

A: We'll cross that bridge when we come to it

S: I wish you could see that I do really love you. I'm just terrified

A: If you love me, why did you lie?

S: Because I'm scared. I lied because the one relationship where she meant the world to me ended horribly wrong. I'm scared crapless (sensored) about making the same mistake twice. I almost didn't survive the first time

A: I don't appreciate the language. And that makes no sense to me. That just seems like another excuse

S: I don't know how to make it more simple

A: We obviously have communication issues. Another reason to end right here

S: Aren't we supposed to work on that

A: When all our relationship is virtual and your not making much effort to work on it in person, it doesn't work very well and I'm done trying

S: I am. But if you truly want it over than I'll never talk to you or your friends ever again

A: I don't want to end this on a sour note. Thanks for helping me learn more about myself and I hope things work out for you

S: They won't twenty five years they have never worked out

A: Well, if you have that attitude, fine. Goodbye

S: Stop. Look I messed up. And I'm trying to make i right

A: Stuart, you don't seem to understand. You say your trying but I don't see any evidence of that. I'm tired of being the one who puts all the effort into this and getting emotionally pushed around. It's too much for me

S: am I not being (he meant begging) and pleading for you to give me a second chance

A: I feel like I've already given you not only a second chance but many more chances. This relationship has been much harder than I've let on

S: Why didn't you tell me :(

A: That's something I've wanted to talk to you about but I've tried to get to talk to you in person but you never would respond

S: I'm so sorry amanda...You deserve better I'll leave you alone

And I left it there. I wanted to have the last word but I tried to end the convo numerous times but he would always respond so I just let him have the last word. I am happy it's over. I really am. And I'm completely fine. Besides, I realized that he had way to much power over my emotions. I'm much happier now and I know this is how things are supposed to go. Wow this was a really long post so I'm going to end here.

Insert Creative Title Here

Isn't that awesome! I have my own spot at work! (PS the lines on the computer are a result of taking pictures of a computer screen)

Yesterday, my manager came up to me while I was working and asked me if I had a few minutes. I of course said yes and followed him into his office. Then he interviewed me to be a supervisor! I think it went pretty well. It helps that I am available for all the shifts and am flexible in my position and pay. He said that he'll make a decision by the end of the week and he'll train me himself. If I get the job, I'll be trained by the end of next week. I really really hope I get this. It would be dependable hours and although the pay isn't too different than what I already have, I'll get more hours. I might have to work some Sundays but it's not for sure yet.

I still haven't seen Stuart yet since Saturday, but we've talked. He's been really busy studying for his EMT test. I invited him over for lunch but he said that he's busy tomorrow so it'll have to be on Friday. So the next time I see him will be on Friday. I decided that he needs to get this test over with cuz it's interfering with getting to know each other in person :P I'm just kidding. I'm trying to be patient. I realized today though, that he's trying to be responsible and study for his test and I'm not helping with trying to get him to spend time with me. Now I feel like a jerk. So I'm just going to let him study. He knows that I want to see him so I'll be patient.

A couple of my roomies go to institue on Wednesday nights so I decided to start going with them. It's from 5:15-6:45 so Rachel and I aren't going to work today. Next week we'll go though. At least after. The work schedule is changing so we'll work at least from 7-10 if not before. But that also depends on if I get promoted. If I do get the position, I might not be able to go. All depends on if I get scheduled for Wednesdays or not.

Well, I think I've caught you up to life and I've run out of things to say so I'm gonna end here :)

Glory! (Taste the Rainbow)

Where do I even start?? Tonight was absolutely AMAZING!! I just can't get over it. My roommates and a bunch of us from the ward went to watch Stadium of Fire from the grass outside of the stadium. Rachel and I worked from 9-4 today then we went to Rena's house and walked with everyone to the stadium (parking would have been ridiculous). It was flippin far! Holy cow I haven't walked that far in forever. Needless to say, I layed down on the grass as soon as we got there and didn't want to move. I had invited Stuart to come watch with us and I didn't think he would really come. But I texted him from Rachel's phone and he said he'd come! And he totally did! There was not even one second of awkwardness. It felt like we had seen each other lots of times before. He came walking up the hill and we smiled at each other then he came and sat next to me. We just chatted a bit and he would push me a bit and I would push back (using our sides like leaning hard against the other to push). This happend a number of times, then I said something that he thought was funny so he hugged me and he kinda lingered a bit but he pulled out of the hug. Then the pushing continued and he put his arm around me. There it stayed the entire night and I was completely ok with it. We cuddled for a little while and he started playing with my fingers a little. Then he held my hand (which I totally owe my roommates Skittles for). It all just felt so right. We didn't talk very much, but it wasn't awkward at all. We watched the fireworks then we all got everything packed up and started heading back toward Rena's house. He was just going to walk to his apartment which was only like a block away but he decided to walk with me all the way back to the house. I was so tired but he was so supportive. He seemed like he wasn't really sure what to do but to just walk. Seemed like he wanted to do more to help but didn't know of what he could do. He stayed with me the entire time and would tell me that we were getting close or that I could make it. He was so sweet.
Kyla said that it was funny that she was just oh that's Amanda and Stuart like we had been together for a while. And she hadn't even officially met him yet haha. That's when she got up and introduced herself. It was just all so right. When he first touched my hand, it tingled and was just the most amazing feeling. I am so glad that he came tonight. It really shows that he is putting effort into this. I was really beginning to feel like this was one-sided. I was getting so frustrated with him but it just all seemed ok with him there. It just felt right. That is the only way I can describe it. It was just....right :)

Stuart Update

You're probably all wondering what is going on with Stuart's coming to Utah. Well...it's been just like my blog posts yesterday- a whole lot of nothing. Tuesday, I went and worked from 3-8 and couldn't hardly sit still the entire time. I have a cross stitch that I usually work on while I'm at work, but I didn't do it at all. I was super excited. Rachel let me call me on her phone at 8:30 and I left him a message saying that I was going to karaoke but to call me and if he didn't want to go to karaoke I could always leave. At 9, we were at Applebees and Rachel puts her phone in front of me on the table and smiles at me. I told her that she was tempting me to text him and she said no that she was telling me to text him. So I did. The conversation went like this:

Me: Hey :) It's Amanda. Rachel is letting me use her phone. What are you doing?

Stuart: Eh sick tired ready to sleep forever

Me: Too tired to see me?

Stuart: Yeah

Me: :(

Stuart: Sorry

Me: It's just that I was excited and got all dressed up to see you

Then nothing. I'm 90% sure he fell asleep. I understand if he's tired, but couldn't he have called and told me that before I texted him? I was disappointed, but it was coming off like being depressed. Rachel was also bummed cuz of her boy troubles that day so we were both pretty much feeling the same way. Heavenly Father really knows what he's doing. He put Rachel and I together and we're basically going through the same situations, both in the past and now. It's crazy. Anyway, I sent Stuart an inbox message on Facebook telling him that I worked at 3 on Wednesday and have to leave at about 2:30 but I didn't have any plans before and that he could call me. Well, at 2:15ish I called him and left a message saying that I only worked till 6 and could do something after work. Needless to say, I received no phone call yesterday. Kyla came home and she and I watched a movie in her room while Rachel, Keim, and Jeff watched a scary movie in the living room.

By the end of the night, I was basically really annoyed and feeling kinda P.O.ed. I decided that I tried enough and if he wants to see me, he has to call me. I'm not gonna try anymore. By not calling me back or making an effort to see me, I'm feeling rejected and I'm tired of it. I'm not gonna call, text, or message online unless he does one of those to me first. It can't be one sided which is what I feel like it's been for the past few weeks. I told Rachel to not let me call or text him (in case I gave in and wanted to today) and she said that I can't unless I use her phone so that won't be a problem haha.

Well, at 11 this morning, I noticed that he messaged me on Skype saying "hi" but he sent it at 10 and I didn't see it till an hour later. He was already offline by then but I messaged back saying that I was sorry I didn't reply and I didn't see his message till 11. If he decides to message back later, cool. If he decides to call, cool. But I'm not going to do either unless he does first. I've tried enough. I work from 3-9 today so unless he doesn't care about going to bed late and he actually calls me, nothing is going to happen today. And frankly, I don't really care. If he wants something to happen though, he'd better act quickly cuz if he waits too long I'm gonna be over him and he won't have a chance.

SOOOOO Blessed! And soo excited!!

It's today! It's today! It's today! (Remember the movie Stuart Little at the beginning where George runs in his parent's room yelling "it's today!") That's how I feel. I just wanna run and jump around yelling for joy. I have waited for this day to come for a long time and it's finally here! He's coming today!! He's probably already on his way from St George to Provo. He wanted to do a session in the St George temple so he stopped there last night and went this morning. I have to work from 3-8 so he's going to call me so we can get together. I invited him to come to karaoke tonight with a bunch of us from my ward and he said it sounds like fun so I hope he'll come with. If not, then we'll probably just talk somewhere. Rachel helped me get all dolled up and now I just have to keep looking so good till tonight. AHH!!! I'm so excited! :D

Yesterday, I went to work and Leanna was like "Did Cody tell you?" and I was like "Did Cody tell me what...?" then Leanna said that I'm the employee of the month for the month of June! How awesome is that?? I don't even know how that happened cuz my PR isn't that good but I'm not complaining. Then Cody asked me some questions to get info to put on the poster and today they're gonna take my picture for it. I'll have my own designated seat with my name on it and a comfy chair. I won't have to look for a seat for an entire month!

Church on Sunday was just amazing. The Spirit was so strong and the messages were so clear and good. In Sacrament meeting they talked about patience, humility, and charity (all of which were amazing talks). Sunday we talked about Psalms. Then in Relief Society, Keim gave a lesson from the Teachings for Our Times from Elder Holland's talk. It was on pornography and we thought that it would be an awkward and hard topic but Keim did such a good job! She had 2 object lessons that went so well and the discussion was just great.

I can not tell you how blessed I feel right now. I have the most AMAZING roommates that I cannot believe how blessed I am to have them in my life. I'm usually super self conscious about my crawling when I first move into an apartment with girls I don't know. I know it sounds silly, but I really do get self conscious about it. I know I can't help the fact that I have to crawl, but in my mind, a 21 year old girl crawling is weird. It usually takes me a few weeks to get comfortable crawling in front of others that I'm living with. It's pathetic. I'll purposely take longer in the bathroom when I know people are in my path from the bathroom to my room if I'm not wearing my braces. I have to get comfortable with people before I let them see me crawl (I know, I'm ridiculous) and that usually takes me a few weeks. I felt so comfortable with these girls that I didn't even think twice about crawling in front of them. I think they saw me crawl the day after I moved in. When Rachel came back, I just told her flat out that without my braces, I can't stand so I crawl and then I got out of my bed and crawled to the bathroom. When I came back, she commented how it was cool that I pushed the door closed with my foot without even watching what I was doing (which I didn't even realize I did cuz it's just what I do). They really care about me and watch out for me. We keep reminding ourselves that I've only been here 2 weeks cuz it's hard to believe it's only been that long. Rachel and I act like we've known each other for years. We are complete and total brats to each other and neither of us get hurt at all.  She'll go ahead of me on the stairs, but she'll wait for me at the top of each section. Or if she has to run up and do something, she'll come out and check on me. I don't like being an inconvenience to people, especially with stairs since it takes me so long, but at the same time, if everyone goes ahead of me then I feel really left out. I was definitely freaking out for nothing about getting new roommates. I'm working on getting pictures and I'll get them up when I have them.

I'll probably end up posting again tonight. Those of you who follow this, you'll have lots to read today!

Sunday! (crosses fingers)

Not really much going on lately. Just the usual: work and hanging with the roommates. My roommate Rachel officially starts working with me tomorrow. We're gonna car pool to work probably starting Friday (tomorrow is just her training which starts at 4 and I work at 3). Yippee! I was talking to my roommate Kyla when I got off work today and she laughed cuz my out loud train of thought when like this: it's Wednesday which means tomorrow is Thursday which means it's practically the weekend which means it's practically next week! I was serious haha. If you can't tell, I'm excited for Stuart to get here. Talking to him tonight, I asked if he knew when he was coming yet and he said he didn't know but Sunday or Monday. I got really happy cuz he had been saying Monday or Tuesday before. He said he wants to be here now, so I hope that means he'll get here Sunday. Then maybe we'll be able to get all this confusingness over with (I hope). I should go to bed though. Rachel is having a "sleepover" with Keim tonight so I'm all alone in the room. It's just that it's 1:30am and I'm still awake.

[insert interesting title here] (can't think of one haha)

Wow it feels like forever since I posted last! Wednesday I was so busy cleaning and packing that I didn't have time to post. I went to bed at 2am cuz I was cleaning and packing then I had to get up a little after 6 so I could get my passenger picked up and get going to Rexburg. There was some traffic going up there but it wasn't bad. I met up with Tanis and Cody at Craigos for lunch then just hung out with them till Alice got back from her internship. Then we got Cold Stone. Then I went with the girls from SPED class (we always have so much fun). Cherika has a bucket list to do before the end of the semester so we checked off 2 of her things. We planned to go to a bathroom on every floor of every building but we changed it to a bathroom on every floor of the Hinckley, Taylor, MC, and Kimball. So fun! Then we went to Cocoa Bean. Love that place! Then I went and visited the girls in 34 and talked over there for a while. Finally got back to Alice's place at like 12:30am and we talked till a little after 2:30am. Matt called at about 9am then we met up with the Canadians at Walmart. Played games till about 1:30 then it was time to go pick up the girls and go back to Provo. We got out of Rexburg at about 2:20 and didn't get to Provo till about 7:30. It took FOREVER! There was so much traffic. Friday was a long day in general. After driving to Provo I picked up a girl then we went to a sleepover in West Valley. Then I had to leave there at about 8:30 the next morning so I could go to work. Man that was a crazy couple of days! Played with my roommates last night and today. Rachel curled my hair for church :) 

Stuart moved out of his parent's house today and of course right now I can't make calls or send texts on my phone. I can get them though! Hope that he calls me and tells me that he's alright. Wow I'm such a worry wart!

Worry Wart

I'm worried. I didn't use to be too big of a worry wart, but since I have known Stuart I have become one. I haven't heard from him since yesterday at noon. I've texted him and messaged him on Skype haven't heard anything from him. Not getting a response on Skype makes sense. He's often online but isn't at his computer. But usually I'll eventually get a text response back from him even if it's hours later. When I don't hear from him I come up with all sorts of crazy things in my head and it just makes me more worried. I called him a little big ago and he didn't answer. He's usually asleep by this time though. What is going on?? If he doesn't answer before work tomorrow I'm calling him.

Went to Applebees today for karaoke night. It was fun. I was going to sing with my roommates but my leg was hurting really bad to stand so I was the photographer instead. We ordered some appetizers (half off after 9pm!) and we still didn't have our food after waiting for 45 min after ordering. Suzie said she knew the manager and went and talked to him. He went and checked on our food and told us that it was on it's way and that it was on him. Awesome! Free food! Julie and I went to Walmart afterwards and I used on of the electric carts cuz I didn't wanna walk around when my leg was hurting so bad. I got stuff to make a rice heating bag thingy (gonna make it as soon as Keim can get her sewing machine back from Rena) and ice cream! Julie and I were laughing cuz she bought 3 different ice cream things, chocolate, and tampons. It was a pretty funny combination! I'm getting tired and have a bunch to do tomorrow to get ready to go to Rexburg! Yipee!!

I'm Lovin' It!

It's late and I'm going to be going to bed here right after I post this. I just wanted to get on and retract what I said yesterday.  I wasn't feeling left out. What was I talking about? I don't even know!

Today was a good day. I got up, had breakfast while talking to Julie and Rachel, told them all about how Stuart and I got together, talked to Rachel while she unpacked then went to clean out my car. I didn't get a lot done, but I know what the plan is and I'm going to finish it tomorrow. Then I had work (they let us off at 8:15 so I went home and my roommates asked if I wanted to go to the movies with them. When they said it was Last Song I was like heck yes! And as an added bonus it was only $0.75!! Awesome! Such a good movie.

So basically...I love my roommates! Rachel and I are a lot alike and we have quickly bonded. Same with Kyla. Julie and I already know each other and Keim and I are getting along great (haven't had a whole lot of time to talk but it's great). This is going to be awesome!

It's really late and I need to sleep. Love my life!

Today's Adventures

Today was a good day. Got up at about 9 this morning, took a shower, got ready, and went to breakfast with the roomies at a guy in the ward's apartment. Then went to choir and church. Hung out with the roomies for a bit and just relaxed. Then we had ward prayer. It's been a pretty chill day.

My roommate came back today. She seems like a really nice and cool girl. My roommates were SO excited to have her back. Now I just have to adjust again. I was just starting to feel apart of the apartment and everything and now that she's back, I feel like I'm getting left behind. But it's probably just in my mind like a lot of things tend to be. And the fact that Rachel has been gone for a while and they really missed her. I'm sure it'll all be fine! This seems like a really fun apartment to live in and I am so NOT moving!

Gotta work 3-9 tomorrow so I'm going to go out and work on cleaning out my car. I really need to get that done asap!! My shoulder still hurts. I tried rubbing it out with my hands and it hurts really bad. I don't know what's wrong with it. I don't think it's the stairs cuz it's just that shoulder. My lower back has been hurting but I've done a lot of standing lately so I'm trying to sit down more. And my brace is doing a number on my thigh. I don't know what's going on. I just hurt all over :(

My New Life

First off, I have 2 rants. 1: there's this guy at work who did something to his ankle so he's been using crutches but today he didn't have them. Some girl noticed and was like "Hey! You don't have your crutches!" then this guy was like "Ya, now you're not a cripple!" I was shocked. I wasn't offended, just made me realize that people need to watch what they say because that just wasn't right. Rant 2: What is people's problems with doing surveys? Really, it's just giving opinions. I don't understand how people just hang up when they hear me say that I'm calling to ask them questions. Or even better, when they hang up after I say my name. What the heck?!? I can understand if they were turning down the long ones. But the short ones, really? Ok I'm done :)

So...my apartment!

Here is the building that I live in. My apartment is the one on the top left. So I go up 49 stairs, counting the ones to get to the building, to get there. Quite a hike, but I'll survive. Besides, I really like my roommates and it's worth it to stay!

Left side of the living room. That is the quote board where the quotes first go.

When the board is full, they get written on black paper and put on the ceiling!

If they start to come off they either use something to push them back on or use a chair. One was coming off so I offered my crutch! Haha! This is Kyla trying it out :)

Crayons! It's on the right side of the living room next to the car.

Left side of the kitchen. It's a little messy right now

Right side of the kitchen! And yes, that is a couch on the table. They put it up there when they put 2 mattresses together on the living room floor and did a sleepover together. It was in the way. And that board is the calendar. Each of us have a different color assigned to us and we put our schedule up there.

Here's the hallway with the vanity, There is 2 bathrooms. The one with the shower is on the right side of the vanity and the one with the bathtub is on the left. Keim's room is the one you can see open, Kyla's is next to Keim's, and Julie's  is next to Kyla's facing the bathtub bathroom. Rachel and my room is facing the shower bathroom.

My bedroom! I didn't get the closet which is facing my dresser which is on the left. I've got the bottom bunk and Rachel is on the top. I still haven't met her yet, but she's coming back from a vacation tomorrow so I'll meet her then!

Top of my dresser. I tried to organize it so it looks nice :)

There ya go! I told ya I'd get pictures taken! I just wanted to finish getting unpacked first. Now, I just have to figure out what I'm doing with the rest of the stuff in my car. I have to get it cleaned out in the next couple of days since I'm going to have a full car coming back with me from Rexburg.

Church tomorrow (well technically today) in the new ward. I'm going to go to breakfast at some guy's house (apparently he does it every week) with Kyla, then she and I are going to choir, then church at 1:30. Then I'll meet my roommate and who knows what else is going down but I'm sure something is!

PS: My shoulders are really sore (probably from the stairs) and I'm wishing I had someone to rub them out :(

June 11, 2010. What A Day!

I'm all moved in! I'm in apartment 30 in College Terrace. Remember how I said I count stairs? So...49. There are 49 stairs to get from my car to my apartment. Dude! If my arms weren't already strong enough apparently they're going to get stronger! Haha. I knew one person here living in the same complex (she is a few years older than me but she was in my same ward at home!). I checked into my apartment, opened the door, and sure enough she's one of my roommates! I was so surprised! I haven't taken pictures yet of the apartment but I'm going to either tonight or tomorrow. Right now, I'm just tired from moving and going up the stairs multiple times. I'll get used to it. I'm also putting off unpacking cuz I'm being lazy :P

Today I had an interview to be an emergency medical dispatcher for Gold Cross Ambulances. I think I was her first interview and it went really well. She kept saying that I had a good attitude and that I had good answers. The only concern I could see bothered her was the commute. It'd be in Salt Lake and I live in Orem, but I assured her that it was ok and I'd be perfectly able and willing to make the commute. I really hope I get it. I don't really like my job (ok, let's be honest, I really don't like my job) and I haven't really had any real jobs. But I really am excited for the job besides that.

I have a lot to post today sorry :) Today also marks exactly 9 years since my mom died. Although I miss her, I have had a wonderful life since then and have grown so much. And I absolutely love the family that I have now! I really do! I may not show it enough, but I really do love them :)

And here's the kicker news...so remember that 2 weeks deal? Ya...how about almost 2 days haha. We didn't talk at all on Wednesday and that made me think a lot about our relationship. My head is in this. It may look like I'm just letting my emotions take control, but I'm not. Having this long distance relationship and having not actually met him in person yet, I have had to use my head a lot. I'm not dumb. I don't throw my emotions everywhere. I won't just give my heart to anybody. You have to work to earn it. And Stuart and worked hard. I called him last night but he was having bad weather so we talked on Skype. For a LONG time. We talked about everything that happened with this break deal and how each of us felt. And we talked a little bit about what happened last weekend. Basically, we decided that we need to work on our communication skills between each other. It's hard to do that if we don't talk to each other. He's being very patient with me and I'm trying really hard to understand how to be in a relationship. I'm really glad that he is in my life and I can't wait to meet him in 2 weeks.

Survivng

He's been online ALL day. He doesn't know I'm on since I made my status invisible, but still. It may be easier on him not knowing I'm online, but it's not easier on me to know he's on. I'm still staying strong and not talking to him. It's helping that I have a lot to do today to get ready for tomorrow. I've been getting my stuff together and putting some stuff in my car. I did a load of laundry and I think I'm gonna make some muffins. I have muffin mix but I don't own any muffin pans so I figured I could make them while I'm still at the house here and they have pans. Then I'll have some things to munch on too! :)

Yesterday wasn't too bad. I think having not talked for almost the whole day on Sunday helped with not talking yesterday since I had done that before. Today is a little harder and I keep checking my phone even though I know I won't have any messages from him. My phone doesn't vibrate nearly as much as it used to (in fact it hardly does at all) but I'm ok.

Day 1 (not going to keep count though!)

This may be hard for me, but I think it's harder for him. We didn't get to talk long about it before he had to go, so in his mind (or as much as I could tell), I want to break up with him and I don't want to talk to him. Which is completely untrue. We need this to help both of us evaluate our relationship. Because I know it's hard for him, when he got online on Skype and google chat today, I changed my status to invisible so it looked like I was offline. I'm just trying to help him. I think I have a little more to keep myself busy than he does right now so I'm going to try my best to help him through this without actually talking to him. I think by not letting him see that I'm online and praying for both of us, that we will both be able to make it through. Things will be better when we're together in person. We've done a fairly good job at communicating through words, but without tone of voice and body language, it's hard.

I'm going to post this than get busy getting ready to move. 2 more days till I move out and I'm excited, although I really hope that either my roommates are members or they have good standards. It's not a big deal if they are not LDS members at all. That's not the part I'm worried about. I'm worried how I will handle if they don't have good standards. I'm sure it'll all work out.

One of the MGs (well kinda)

I know I already posted today, but I'm posting again. I finally got to tell him. He couldn't get online till like 11:30pm and he wasn't on for very long but it's final. I copy/pasted what I had typed out this afternoon (did it then when it was all fresh and so that I would have something firm to go on when it came time to tell him) into skype chat and hoped for the best. He made a :'( face (which of course made it even harder for me and I ended up crying-but I stayed strong to my decision). He asked if there was someone else which I immediately told him there wasn't, that I don't want to break up for good, that I just need a break to make sure my head is in it and to make sure that everything is good. He usually texts me good morning and he said that I was asking him to not even do that (which I told him if he wanted to that I would see them but I couldn't guarantee that I'd respond). I told him that it's not like I don't want to talk to him, because I do, but to make sure that we will really work that it needs to happen. Which is when he said that he's erasing my number from him phone (which I said please no) but he said it's just so that he isn't tempted to text me and that when I'm ready, I can text him. Then he said that he had to go and this has been a hard week for him that his only sibling (his sister) graduates this Sunday and he forgot. He also said that this past Sunday was his last sacrament in his ward and that he's sad about it and that I have his number and then he got off.

This will be hard, I'm sure, but most often the hardest things in life are the things that are most worth it. I feel like my fellow MGs only on a much smaller scale. And I know girls, I shouldn't complain cuz it's only 2 weeks, but still. It'll be hardest at first because I'm used to talking to him all the time. It'll get easier in the middle when I've gotten used to it. But then the end will get close and it'll get hard and I'll get really anxious. Haha. See what I mean girls? :)

Now I just need to keep myself busy. I can spend the rest of this week packing up my stuff and getting ready to move. I can spend next week settling into my apartment, figuring out what ward I'm in and just plain getting comfortable in my new environment (I'm still getting used to living in Utah). Then I can work on making more friends. Oh and I got a quick trip to Rexburg and a sleepover mixed in there too! I can do this. Somehow...

Emotionally Compromised

I've known it for a while, but I've been denying it. When you think something, you can always push it away, but when someone else tells you it, it opens your eyes to the reality of it all. One of my best friends told me flat out and I'm grateful for her caring for me and having the guts to tell me. I've become too emotionally attached to Stuart and this past weekend affirms that. I let my emotions take control when my head needs to be in the game.

So the decision is that we're not going to talk for the next 2 weeks, and maybe more. I'm going to spend that time focusing on everything that is on my plate. I need to get settled into my apartment and make friends. When he gets here, we can get together as friends and spend time with others. Then we can see where things go from there. By doing this, he will also be able to focus on moving, settling, and making friends.

I thought about the best way to tell Stuart and typed it all up. Now I'm just waiting for him to get online so I can lay it out to him. I really hope that he is supportive in this decision and sees the value in it. If he doesn't like it and doesn't want to go with it, then that really sucks and it might be the end. The way I see it, if he doesn't want to test our relationship wants to let it go downhill like I think it is headed if we keep going the way we are, the it's not worth it.

18 days

Wow 3 posts in 3 days. I think I'm actually getting the hang of this! Haha

Stuart and I started talking at about 11:30 last night and ended up talking it all out. Granted we talked until 4:30-5 this morning, but it was worth it to get everything figured out. And I think we're ok now. Started talking this morning at about 10:30 when I woke up and we've been talking since. He apologized for being mean and said that I deserve better than that. I'm still oober excited to finally get to be together in person, although I'll probably get nervous as time gets closer. I'm so excited, I can't help but count down but I'm counting just in my head :)

Too Big of a Load

Well after not talking for almost 36 hours (torture!) we finally started talking and talked it out. I thought that there might be something going on that set him off like that, but I wasn't entirely sure. Well I was right, there was. I don't want to go into detail and explain it because I don't think it's necessary. But at least until he comes to Provo in just over 2 weeks, we're still going to talk but I'm gonna back off and give him some space. He has some things that he needs to figure out before he gets here and in order to do that, I need to give him that space.

My crummy, miserable, depressed mood was due to combined stress of not only this whole drama with Stuart, but other things too. I'm moving on Friday, it's super hot outside which is giving me a not so pretty and very uncomfortable heat rash on my leg from my brace, trying to figure out how everything is going down for school, still adjusting to life in Utah, having social "withdrawals" cuz I don't know many people and those I do know are too far away to just hang out with on a regular basis :(, working but hating my job, trying to keep a relationship, and applying for social security so trying to get that straightened out all at the same time. I can handle pressure, multi-tasking, and stress, but this is just too much for little ol me to handle alone.

Confused, Hurt, and Apologetic

I was driving today and this song played on one of my Cd's and it matched exactly what I'm feeling. Like almost to the T. I teared up listening to it. Here it is:

The Reason-Hoobastank

I'm not a perfect person

There's many things I wish I didn't do

But I continue learning

I never meant to do those things to you

And so I have to say before I go

That I just want you to know

I found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

And the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you

It's something I must live with everyday

And all the pain I put you through

I wish that I could take it all away

And be the one who catches all your tears

That's why I need you to hear

I found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

And the reason is you

And the reason is you (x3)

I'm not a perfect person

I never meant to do those things to you

And so I have to say before I go

That I just want you to know

I found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

And the reason is you

I found a reason to show

A side of me you didn't know

A reason for all that I do

And the reason is you

I am so incredibly confused. Stuart and I were completely fine but then a few weeks ago, something weird happened on his end. I'm still not exactly sure what it is. He said that he just isn't ready for a relationship, which is understandable due to what has happened in the past for him. But we still kept going on as if nothing had happened. Then 2 weeks ago, he asked if we could just be friends for a little while so he could figure everything out and he would be able to focus more on everything he had going on before he moved out. I told him that it was fine and that it'd be really good for him, and our relationship, to focus on being friends.

On the day that Taylor had 99 days left till he comes home, I posted "Double Digits" and Stuart asked me what it was about so I told him to not ask (I said that for his own good because he doesn't like hearing about Taylor, which makes sense) but he insisted that I tell him so I did. I told him that Taylor had double digits till he comes home but I also said that I had a countdown going for how many days till Stuart moves to Provo so that he could see that I wasn't focused on Taylor (it's true I'm not, I just happened to notice that he had that many days left). He told me to please not countdown for him to move to Provo cuz it's too much. Confused, I told him that I'm excited to finally get to meet my friend (we've become each other's best friend) but I agreed and deleted both countdowns I had on my google homepage (countdowns for both Stuart and Taylor).

The next day (Thursday-which I just realized happens to be the day that Taylor has been out for exactly 21 months), I messaged him on Skype and told him that I have this thing for counting. I count stairs almost every time I go up or down them and when I'm bored I count things like ceiling tiles or anything else that's around. It's just something I do without even thinking. I love counting down to things so that was another reason why I was counting down for Stuart to move here and I told him that. He said ok but after a few minutes later the conversation went as follows:

S: You're strange

A: Yup. Haha. Why though?

S: You count

A: Ya I do. But everyone has their little quirks
S: It's too strange

A: Is that a bad thing?

S: Not sure

Then I tell him that I don't do it all the time and I made it sound worse than it really is

S: Ok. You scare me

Then I ask why and he says that I like everything he posts and that I say creepy things (I count things and a question that I had asked him before) and that I'm living in Taylor's house in his room (which I clarified and told him that I'm in Kyle's room and that I'm moving out soon) and that I'm still counting down to when Taylor comes back. About this time was when I realized that he deleted me as a friend on Facebook.

S: We can try for a relationship later

A: I thought that's what we were doing. Friends for now

S: but right now it's too much

A: What are you saying?

S: Even being your friend is too hard...you make it strange

A: I'm sorry

S: So we can try again when I'm in Utah ok?

A: Ok but what are we doing till then?

S: Don't worry about it just do what you're doing

A: I don't mean to say creepy things and I don't mean to like everything you post. I like things that I like

S: it's ok. We will try later...OK

Then I told him that I deleted both countdowns and he said ok and that let's just be friends on Skype and could text and talk and that he likes me but he just needs some space then he went on a run (he can go run his emotions off but I can't. Grr!)

And we have barely spoken since. A little bit everyday but that's it-which is completely not normal for us. I'm hurt that he said those things but I'm also hurt that I hurt him.

This song put it into words for me (I have a really hard time putting things into words so I use music a lot to word things for me). Since Stuart and I have changed a bit. He brings out the best in me and I strive to do better. I know I'm not a perfect person because there are a lot of things I wish I didn't do although I have learned from everything I have done. I never meant to hurt him at all and I wish there was a way I could tell him without him pushing away more. I want to tell him that he's made me a better person. I wish I could fix everything that has happened between us. I'm showing a different side that I barely knew I had let alone other people. I very rarely cry but when I was singing along to this song, I stopped singing and listened to it and teared up.

I don't know what to do and I feel so lost and alone. I miss talking to my best friend. I miss being able to tell him everything. I almost cry every time I think about this whole thing (which is a lot). It hurts when I'm about to text him something but I don't because he hasn't responded to most times that I have texted him. I feel so helpless and hurt. I need a shoulder to cry on but the first one I think of to go to is him.

Sorry for the long post. I'll end it here because you're probably bored by now. I've been needing to vent to someone..