SOOOOO Blessed! And soo excited!!

It's today! It's today! It's today! (Remember the movie Stuart Little at the beginning where George runs in his parent's room yelling "it's today!") That's how I feel. I just wanna run and jump around yelling for joy. I have waited for this day to come for a long time and it's finally here! He's coming today!! He's probably already on his way from St George to Provo. He wanted to do a session in the St George temple so he stopped there last night and went this morning. I have to work from 3-8 so he's going to call me so we can get together. I invited him to come to karaoke tonight with a bunch of us from my ward and he said it sounds like fun so I hope he'll come with. If not, then we'll probably just talk somewhere. Rachel helped me get all dolled up and now I just have to keep looking so good till tonight. AHH!!! I'm so excited! :D

Yesterday, I went to work and Leanna was like "Did Cody tell you?" and I was like "Did Cody tell me what...?" then Leanna said that I'm the employee of the month for the month of June! How awesome is that?? I don't even know how that happened cuz my PR isn't that good but I'm not complaining. Then Cody asked me some questions to get info to put on the poster and today they're gonna take my picture for it. I'll have my own designated seat with my name on it and a comfy chair. I won't have to look for a seat for an entire month!

Church on Sunday was just amazing. The Spirit was so strong and the messages were so clear and good. In Sacrament meeting they talked about patience, humility, and charity (all of which were amazing talks). Sunday we talked about Psalms. Then in Relief Society, Keim gave a lesson from the Teachings for Our Times from Elder Holland's talk. It was on pornography and we thought that it would be an awkward and hard topic but Keim did such a good job! She had 2 object lessons that went so well and the discussion was just great.

I can not tell you how blessed I feel right now. I have the most AMAZING roommates that I cannot believe how blessed I am to have them in my life. I'm usually super self conscious about my crawling when I first move into an apartment with girls I don't know. I know it sounds silly, but I really do get self conscious about it. I know I can't help the fact that I have to crawl, but in my mind, a 21 year old girl crawling is weird. It usually takes me a few weeks to get comfortable crawling in front of others that I'm living with. It's pathetic. I'll purposely take longer in the bathroom when I know people are in my path from the bathroom to my room if I'm not wearing my braces. I have to get comfortable with people before I let them see me crawl (I know, I'm ridiculous) and that usually takes me a few weeks. I felt so comfortable with these girls that I didn't even think twice about crawling in front of them. I think they saw me crawl the day after I moved in. When Rachel came back, I just told her flat out that without my braces, I can't stand so I crawl and then I got out of my bed and crawled to the bathroom. When I came back, she commented how it was cool that I pushed the door closed with my foot without even watching what I was doing (which I didn't even realize I did cuz it's just what I do). They really care about me and watch out for me. We keep reminding ourselves that I've only been here 2 weeks cuz it's hard to believe it's only been that long. Rachel and I act like we've known each other for years. We are complete and total brats to each other and neither of us get hurt at all.  She'll go ahead of me on the stairs, but she'll wait for me at the top of each section. Or if she has to run up and do something, she'll come out and check on me. I don't like being an inconvenience to people, especially with stairs since it takes me so long, but at the same time, if everyone goes ahead of me then I feel really left out. I was definitely freaking out for nothing about getting new roommates. I'm working on getting pictures and I'll get them up when I have them.

I'll probably end up posting again tonight. Those of you who follow this, you'll have lots to read today!

Sunday! (crosses fingers)

Not really much going on lately. Just the usual: work and hanging with the roommates. My roommate Rachel officially starts working with me tomorrow. We're gonna car pool to work probably starting Friday (tomorrow is just her training which starts at 4 and I work at 3). Yippee! I was talking to my roommate Kyla when I got off work today and she laughed cuz my out loud train of thought when like this: it's Wednesday which means tomorrow is Thursday which means it's practically the weekend which means it's practically next week! I was serious haha. If you can't tell, I'm excited for Stuart to get here. Talking to him tonight, I asked if he knew when he was coming yet and he said he didn't know but Sunday or Monday. I got really happy cuz he had been saying Monday or Tuesday before. He said he wants to be here now, so I hope that means he'll get here Sunday. Then maybe we'll be able to get all this confusingness over with (I hope). I should go to bed though. Rachel is having a "sleepover" with Keim tonight so I'm all alone in the room. It's just that it's 1:30am and I'm still awake.

[insert interesting title here] (can't think of one haha)

Wow it feels like forever since I posted last! Wednesday I was so busy cleaning and packing that I didn't have time to post. I went to bed at 2am cuz I was cleaning and packing then I had to get up a little after 6 so I could get my passenger picked up and get going to Rexburg. There was some traffic going up there but it wasn't bad. I met up with Tanis and Cody at Craigos for lunch then just hung out with them till Alice got back from her internship. Then we got Cold Stone. Then I went with the girls from SPED class (we always have so much fun). Cherika has a bucket list to do before the end of the semester so we checked off 2 of her things. We planned to go to a bathroom on every floor of every building but we changed it to a bathroom on every floor of the Hinckley, Taylor, MC, and Kimball. So fun! Then we went to Cocoa Bean. Love that place! Then I went and visited the girls in 34 and talked over there for a while. Finally got back to Alice's place at like 12:30am and we talked till a little after 2:30am. Matt called at about 9am then we met up with the Canadians at Walmart. Played games till about 1:30 then it was time to go pick up the girls and go back to Provo. We got out of Rexburg at about 2:20 and didn't get to Provo till about 7:30. It took FOREVER! There was so much traffic. Friday was a long day in general. After driving to Provo I picked up a girl then we went to a sleepover in West Valley. Then I had to leave there at about 8:30 the next morning so I could go to work. Man that was a crazy couple of days! Played with my roommates last night and today. Rachel curled my hair for church :) 

Stuart moved out of his parent's house today and of course right now I can't make calls or send texts on my phone. I can get them though! Hope that he calls me and tells me that he's alright. Wow I'm such a worry wart!

Worry Wart

I'm worried. I didn't use to be too big of a worry wart, but since I have known Stuart I have become one. I haven't heard from him since yesterday at noon. I've texted him and messaged him on Skype haven't heard anything from him. Not getting a response on Skype makes sense. He's often online but isn't at his computer. But usually I'll eventually get a text response back from him even if it's hours later. When I don't hear from him I come up with all sorts of crazy things in my head and it just makes me more worried. I called him a little big ago and he didn't answer. He's usually asleep by this time though. What is going on?? If he doesn't answer before work tomorrow I'm calling him.

Went to Applebees today for karaoke night. It was fun. I was going to sing with my roommates but my leg was hurting really bad to stand so I was the photographer instead. We ordered some appetizers (half off after 9pm!) and we still didn't have our food after waiting for 45 min after ordering. Suzie said she knew the manager and went and talked to him. He went and checked on our food and told us that it was on it's way and that it was on him. Awesome! Free food! Julie and I went to Walmart afterwards and I used on of the electric carts cuz I didn't wanna walk around when my leg was hurting so bad. I got stuff to make a rice heating bag thingy (gonna make it as soon as Keim can get her sewing machine back from Rena) and ice cream! Julie and I were laughing cuz she bought 3 different ice cream things, chocolate, and tampons. It was a pretty funny combination! I'm getting tired and have a bunch to do tomorrow to get ready to go to Rexburg! Yipee!!

I'm Lovin' It!

It's late and I'm going to be going to bed here right after I post this. I just wanted to get on and retract what I said yesterday.  I wasn't feeling left out. What was I talking about? I don't even know!

Today was a good day. I got up, had breakfast while talking to Julie and Rachel, told them all about how Stuart and I got together, talked to Rachel while she unpacked then went to clean out my car. I didn't get a lot done, but I know what the plan is and I'm going to finish it tomorrow. Then I had work (they let us off at 8:15 so I went home and my roommates asked if I wanted to go to the movies with them. When they said it was Last Song I was like heck yes! And as an added bonus it was only $0.75!! Awesome! Such a good movie.

So basically...I love my roommates! Rachel and I are a lot alike and we have quickly bonded. Same with Kyla. Julie and I already know each other and Keim and I are getting along great (haven't had a whole lot of time to talk but it's great). This is going to be awesome!

It's really late and I need to sleep. Love my life!

Today's Adventures

Today was a good day. Got up at about 9 this morning, took a shower, got ready, and went to breakfast with the roomies at a guy in the ward's apartment. Then went to choir and church. Hung out with the roomies for a bit and just relaxed. Then we had ward prayer. It's been a pretty chill day.

My roommate came back today. She seems like a really nice and cool girl. My roommates were SO excited to have her back. Now I just have to adjust again. I was just starting to feel apart of the apartment and everything and now that she's back, I feel like I'm getting left behind. But it's probably just in my mind like a lot of things tend to be. And the fact that Rachel has been gone for a while and they really missed her. I'm sure it'll all be fine! This seems like a really fun apartment to live in and I am so NOT moving!

Gotta work 3-9 tomorrow so I'm going to go out and work on cleaning out my car. I really need to get that done asap!! My shoulder still hurts. I tried rubbing it out with my hands and it hurts really bad. I don't know what's wrong with it. I don't think it's the stairs cuz it's just that shoulder. My lower back has been hurting but I've done a lot of standing lately so I'm trying to sit down more. And my brace is doing a number on my thigh. I don't know what's going on. I just hurt all over :(

My New Life

First off, I have 2 rants. 1: there's this guy at work who did something to his ankle so he's been using crutches but today he didn't have them. Some girl noticed and was like "Hey! You don't have your crutches!" then this guy was like "Ya, now you're not a cripple!" I was shocked. I wasn't offended, just made me realize that people need to watch what they say because that just wasn't right. Rant 2: What is people's problems with doing surveys? Really, it's just giving opinions. I don't understand how people just hang up when they hear me say that I'm calling to ask them questions. Or even better, when they hang up after I say my name. What the heck?!? I can understand if they were turning down the long ones. But the short ones, really? Ok I'm done :)

So...my apartment!

Here is the building that I live in. My apartment is the one on the top left. So I go up 49 stairs, counting the ones to get to the building, to get there. Quite a hike, but I'll survive. Besides, I really like my roommates and it's worth it to stay!

Left side of the living room. That is the quote board where the quotes first go.

When the board is full, they get written on black paper and put on the ceiling!

If they start to come off they either use something to push them back on or use a chair. One was coming off so I offered my crutch! Haha! This is Kyla trying it out :)

Crayons! It's on the right side of the living room next to the car.

Left side of the kitchen. It's a little messy right now

Right side of the kitchen! And yes, that is a couch on the table. They put it up there when they put 2 mattresses together on the living room floor and did a sleepover together. It was in the way. And that board is the calendar. Each of us have a different color assigned to us and we put our schedule up there.

Here's the hallway with the vanity, There is 2 bathrooms. The one with the shower is on the right side of the vanity and the one with the bathtub is on the left. Keim's room is the one you can see open, Kyla's is next to Keim's, and Julie's  is next to Kyla's facing the bathtub bathroom. Rachel and my room is facing the shower bathroom.

My bedroom! I didn't get the closet which is facing my dresser which is on the left. I've got the bottom bunk and Rachel is on the top. I still haven't met her yet, but she's coming back from a vacation tomorrow so I'll meet her then!

Top of my dresser. I tried to organize it so it looks nice :)

There ya go! I told ya I'd get pictures taken! I just wanted to finish getting unpacked first. Now, I just have to figure out what I'm doing with the rest of the stuff in my car. I have to get it cleaned out in the next couple of days since I'm going to have a full car coming back with me from Rexburg.

Church tomorrow (well technically today) in the new ward. I'm going to go to breakfast at some guy's house (apparently he does it every week) with Kyla, then she and I are going to choir, then church at 1:30. Then I'll meet my roommate and who knows what else is going down but I'm sure something is!

PS: My shoulders are really sore (probably from the stairs) and I'm wishing I had someone to rub them out :(

June 11, 2010. What A Day!

I'm all moved in! I'm in apartment 30 in College Terrace. Remember how I said I count stairs? So...49. There are 49 stairs to get from my car to my apartment. Dude! If my arms weren't already strong enough apparently they're going to get stronger! Haha. I knew one person here living in the same complex (she is a few years older than me but she was in my same ward at home!). I checked into my apartment, opened the door, and sure enough she's one of my roommates! I was so surprised! I haven't taken pictures yet of the apartment but I'm going to either tonight or tomorrow. Right now, I'm just tired from moving and going up the stairs multiple times. I'll get used to it. I'm also putting off unpacking cuz I'm being lazy :P

Today I had an interview to be an emergency medical dispatcher for Gold Cross Ambulances. I think I was her first interview and it went really well. She kept saying that I had a good attitude and that I had good answers. The only concern I could see bothered her was the commute. It'd be in Salt Lake and I live in Orem, but I assured her that it was ok and I'd be perfectly able and willing to make the commute. I really hope I get it. I don't really like my job (ok, let's be honest, I really don't like my job) and I haven't really had any real jobs. But I really am excited for the job besides that.

I have a lot to post today sorry :) Today also marks exactly 9 years since my mom died. Although I miss her, I have had a wonderful life since then and have grown so much. And I absolutely love the family that I have now! I really do! I may not show it enough, but I really do love them :)

And here's the kicker news...so remember that 2 weeks deal? Ya...how about almost 2 days haha. We didn't talk at all on Wednesday and that made me think a lot about our relationship. My head is in this. It may look like I'm just letting my emotions take control, but I'm not. Having this long distance relationship and having not actually met him in person yet, I have had to use my head a lot. I'm not dumb. I don't throw my emotions everywhere. I won't just give my heart to anybody. You have to work to earn it. And Stuart and worked hard. I called him last night but he was having bad weather so we talked on Skype. For a LONG time. We talked about everything that happened with this break deal and how each of us felt. And we talked a little bit about what happened last weekend. Basically, we decided that we need to work on our communication skills between each other. It's hard to do that if we don't talk to each other. He's being very patient with me and I'm trying really hard to understand how to be in a relationship. I'm really glad that he is in my life and I can't wait to meet him in 2 weeks.

Survivng

He's been online ALL day. He doesn't know I'm on since I made my status invisible, but still. It may be easier on him not knowing I'm online, but it's not easier on me to know he's on. I'm still staying strong and not talking to him. It's helping that I have a lot to do today to get ready for tomorrow. I've been getting my stuff together and putting some stuff in my car. I did a load of laundry and I think I'm gonna make some muffins. I have muffin mix but I don't own any muffin pans so I figured I could make them while I'm still at the house here and they have pans. Then I'll have some things to munch on too! :)

Yesterday wasn't too bad. I think having not talked for almost the whole day on Sunday helped with not talking yesterday since I had done that before. Today is a little harder and I keep checking my phone even though I know I won't have any messages from him. My phone doesn't vibrate nearly as much as it used to (in fact it hardly does at all) but I'm ok.

Day 1 (not going to keep count though!)

This may be hard for me, but I think it's harder for him. We didn't get to talk long about it before he had to go, so in his mind (or as much as I could tell), I want to break up with him and I don't want to talk to him. Which is completely untrue. We need this to help both of us evaluate our relationship. Because I know it's hard for him, when he got online on Skype and google chat today, I changed my status to invisible so it looked like I was offline. I'm just trying to help him. I think I have a little more to keep myself busy than he does right now so I'm going to try my best to help him through this without actually talking to him. I think by not letting him see that I'm online and praying for both of us, that we will both be able to make it through. Things will be better when we're together in person. We've done a fairly good job at communicating through words, but without tone of voice and body language, it's hard.

I'm going to post this than get busy getting ready to move. 2 more days till I move out and I'm excited, although I really hope that either my roommates are members or they have good standards. It's not a big deal if they are not LDS members at all. That's not the part I'm worried about. I'm worried how I will handle if they don't have good standards. I'm sure it'll all work out.

One of the MGs (well kinda)

I know I already posted today, but I'm posting again. I finally got to tell him. He couldn't get online till like 11:30pm and he wasn't on for very long but it's final. I copy/pasted what I had typed out this afternoon (did it then when it was all fresh and so that I would have something firm to go on when it came time to tell him) into skype chat and hoped for the best. He made a :'( face (which of course made it even harder for me and I ended up crying-but I stayed strong to my decision). He asked if there was someone else which I immediately told him there wasn't, that I don't want to break up for good, that I just need a break to make sure my head is in it and to make sure that everything is good. He usually texts me good morning and he said that I was asking him to not even do that (which I told him if he wanted to that I would see them but I couldn't guarantee that I'd respond). I told him that it's not like I don't want to talk to him, because I do, but to make sure that we will really work that it needs to happen. Which is when he said that he's erasing my number from him phone (which I said please no) but he said it's just so that he isn't tempted to text me and that when I'm ready, I can text him. Then he said that he had to go and this has been a hard week for him that his only sibling (his sister) graduates this Sunday and he forgot. He also said that this past Sunday was his last sacrament in his ward and that he's sad about it and that I have his number and then he got off.

This will be hard, I'm sure, but most often the hardest things in life are the things that are most worth it. I feel like my fellow MGs only on a much smaller scale. And I know girls, I shouldn't complain cuz it's only 2 weeks, but still. It'll be hardest at first because I'm used to talking to him all the time. It'll get easier in the middle when I've gotten used to it. But then the end will get close and it'll get hard and I'll get really anxious. Haha. See what I mean girls? :)

Now I just need to keep myself busy. I can spend the rest of this week packing up my stuff and getting ready to move. I can spend next week settling into my apartment, figuring out what ward I'm in and just plain getting comfortable in my new environment (I'm still getting used to living in Utah). Then I can work on making more friends. Oh and I got a quick trip to Rexburg and a sleepover mixed in there too! I can do this. Somehow...

Emotionally Compromised

I've known it for a while, but I've been denying it. When you think something, you can always push it away, but when someone else tells you it, it opens your eyes to the reality of it all. One of my best friends told me flat out and I'm grateful for her caring for me and having the guts to tell me. I've become too emotionally attached to Stuart and this past weekend affirms that. I let my emotions take control when my head needs to be in the game.

So the decision is that we're not going to talk for the next 2 weeks, and maybe more. I'm going to spend that time focusing on everything that is on my plate. I need to get settled into my apartment and make friends. When he gets here, we can get together as friends and spend time with others. Then we can see where things go from there. By doing this, he will also be able to focus on moving, settling, and making friends.

I thought about the best way to tell Stuart and typed it all up. Now I'm just waiting for him to get online so I can lay it out to him. I really hope that he is supportive in this decision and sees the value in it. If he doesn't like it and doesn't want to go with it, then that really sucks and it might be the end. The way I see it, if he doesn't want to test our relationship wants to let it go downhill like I think it is headed if we keep going the way we are, the it's not worth it.

18 days

Wow 3 posts in 3 days. I think I'm actually getting the hang of this! Haha

Stuart and I started talking at about 11:30 last night and ended up talking it all out. Granted we talked until 4:30-5 this morning, but it was worth it to get everything figured out. And I think we're ok now. Started talking this morning at about 10:30 when I woke up and we've been talking since. He apologized for being mean and said that I deserve better than that. I'm still oober excited to finally get to be together in person, although I'll probably get nervous as time gets closer. I'm so excited, I can't help but count down but I'm counting just in my head :)

Too Big of a Load

Well after not talking for almost 36 hours (torture!) we finally started talking and talked it out. I thought that there might be something going on that set him off like that, but I wasn't entirely sure. Well I was right, there was. I don't want to go into detail and explain it because I don't think it's necessary. But at least until he comes to Provo in just over 2 weeks, we're still going to talk but I'm gonna back off and give him some space. He has some things that he needs to figure out before he gets here and in order to do that, I need to give him that space.

My crummy, miserable, depressed mood was due to combined stress of not only this whole drama with Stuart, but other things too. I'm moving on Friday, it's super hot outside which is giving me a not so pretty and very uncomfortable heat rash on my leg from my brace, trying to figure out how everything is going down for school, still adjusting to life in Utah, having social "withdrawals" cuz I don't know many people and those I do know are too far away to just hang out with on a regular basis :(, working but hating my job, trying to keep a relationship, and applying for social security so trying to get that straightened out all at the same time. I can handle pressure, multi-tasking, and stress, but this is just too much for little ol me to handle alone.

Confused, Hurt, and Apologetic

I was driving today and this song played on one of my Cd's and it matched exactly what I'm feeling. Like almost to the T. I teared up listening to it. Here it is:

The Reason-Hoobastank

I'm not a perfect person

There's many things I wish I didn't do

But I continue learning

I never meant to do those things to you

And so I have to say before I go

That I just want you to know

I found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

And the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you

It's something I must live with everyday

And all the pain I put you through

I wish that I could take it all away

And be the one who catches all your tears

That's why I need you to hear

I found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

And the reason is you

And the reason is you (x3)

I'm not a perfect person

I never meant to do those things to you

And so I have to say before I go

That I just want you to know

I found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

And the reason is you

I found a reason to show

A side of me you didn't know

A reason for all that I do

And the reason is you

I am so incredibly confused. Stuart and I were completely fine but then a few weeks ago, something weird happened on his end. I'm still not exactly sure what it is. He said that he just isn't ready for a relationship, which is understandable due to what has happened in the past for him. But we still kept going on as if nothing had happened. Then 2 weeks ago, he asked if we could just be friends for a little while so he could figure everything out and he would be able to focus more on everything he had going on before he moved out. I told him that it was fine and that it'd be really good for him, and our relationship, to focus on being friends.

On the day that Taylor had 99 days left till he comes home, I posted "Double Digits" and Stuart asked me what it was about so I told him to not ask (I said that for his own good because he doesn't like hearing about Taylor, which makes sense) but he insisted that I tell him so I did. I told him that Taylor had double digits till he comes home but I also said that I had a countdown going for how many days till Stuart moves to Provo so that he could see that I wasn't focused on Taylor (it's true I'm not, I just happened to notice that he had that many days left). He told me to please not countdown for him to move to Provo cuz it's too much. Confused, I told him that I'm excited to finally get to meet my friend (we've become each other's best friend) but I agreed and deleted both countdowns I had on my google homepage (countdowns for both Stuart and Taylor).

The next day (Thursday-which I just realized happens to be the day that Taylor has been out for exactly 21 months), I messaged him on Skype and told him that I have this thing for counting. I count stairs almost every time I go up or down them and when I'm bored I count things like ceiling tiles or anything else that's around. It's just something I do without even thinking. I love counting down to things so that was another reason why I was counting down for Stuart to move here and I told him that. He said ok but after a few minutes later the conversation went as follows:

S: You're strange

A: Yup. Haha. Why though?

S: You count

A: Ya I do. But everyone has their little quirks
S: It's too strange

A: Is that a bad thing?

S: Not sure

Then I tell him that I don't do it all the time and I made it sound worse than it really is

S: Ok. You scare me

Then I ask why and he says that I like everything he posts and that I say creepy things (I count things and a question that I had asked him before) and that I'm living in Taylor's house in his room (which I clarified and told him that I'm in Kyle's room and that I'm moving out soon) and that I'm still counting down to when Taylor comes back. About this time was when I realized that he deleted me as a friend on Facebook.

S: We can try for a relationship later

A: I thought that's what we were doing. Friends for now

S: but right now it's too much

A: What are you saying?

S: Even being your friend is too hard...you make it strange

A: I'm sorry

S: So we can try again when I'm in Utah ok?

A: Ok but what are we doing till then?

S: Don't worry about it just do what you're doing

A: I don't mean to say creepy things and I don't mean to like everything you post. I like things that I like

S: it's ok. We will try later...OK

Then I told him that I deleted both countdowns and he said ok and that let's just be friends on Skype and could text and talk and that he likes me but he just needs some space then he went on a run (he can go run his emotions off but I can't. Grr!)

And we have barely spoken since. A little bit everyday but that's it-which is completely not normal for us. I'm hurt that he said those things but I'm also hurt that I hurt him.

This song put it into words for me (I have a really hard time putting things into words so I use music a lot to word things for me). Since Stuart and I have changed a bit. He brings out the best in me and I strive to do better. I know I'm not a perfect person because there are a lot of things I wish I didn't do although I have learned from everything I have done. I never meant to hurt him at all and I wish there was a way I could tell him without him pushing away more. I want to tell him that he's made me a better person. I wish I could fix everything that has happened between us. I'm showing a different side that I barely knew I had let alone other people. I very rarely cry but when I was singing along to this song, I stopped singing and listened to it and teared up.

I don't know what to do and I feel so lost and alone. I miss talking to my best friend. I miss being able to tell him everything. I almost cry every time I think about this whole thing (which is a lot). It hurts when I'm about to text him something but I don't because he hasn't responded to most times that I have texted him. I feel so helpless and hurt. I need a shoulder to cry on but the first one I think of to go to is him.

Sorry for the long post. I'll end it here because you're probably bored by now. I've been needing to vent to someone..