Survivng

He's been online ALL day. He doesn't know I'm on since I made my status invisible, but still. It may be easier on him not knowing I'm online, but it's not easier on me to know he's on. I'm still staying strong and not talking to him. It's helping that I have a lot to do today to get ready for tomorrow. I've been getting my stuff together and putting some stuff in my car. I did a load of laundry and I think I'm gonna make some muffins. I have muffin mix but I don't own any muffin pans so I figured I could make them while I'm still at the house here and they have pans. Then I'll have some things to munch on too! :)

Yesterday wasn't too bad. I think having not talked for almost the whole day on Sunday helped with not talking yesterday since I had done that before. Today is a little harder and I keep checking my phone even though I know I won't have any messages from him. My phone doesn't vibrate nearly as much as it used to (in fact it hardly does at all) but I'm ok.

Day 1 (not going to keep count though!)

This may be hard for me, but I think it's harder for him. We didn't get to talk long about it before he had to go, so in his mind (or as much as I could tell), I want to break up with him and I don't want to talk to him. Which is completely untrue. We need this to help both of us evaluate our relationship. Because I know it's hard for him, when he got online on Skype and google chat today, I changed my status to invisible so it looked like I was offline. I'm just trying to help him. I think I have a little more to keep myself busy than he does right now so I'm going to try my best to help him through this without actually talking to him. I think by not letting him see that I'm online and praying for both of us, that we will both be able to make it through. Things will be better when we're together in person. We've done a fairly good job at communicating through words, but without tone of voice and body language, it's hard.

I'm going to post this than get busy getting ready to move. 2 more days till I move out and I'm excited, although I really hope that either my roommates are members or they have good standards. It's not a big deal if they are not LDS members at all. That's not the part I'm worried about. I'm worried how I will handle if they don't have good standards. I'm sure it'll all work out.

One of the MGs (well kinda)

I know I already posted today, but I'm posting again. I finally got to tell him. He couldn't get online till like 11:30pm and he wasn't on for very long but it's final. I copy/pasted what I had typed out this afternoon (did it then when it was all fresh and so that I would have something firm to go on when it came time to tell him) into skype chat and hoped for the best. He made a :'( face (which of course made it even harder for me and I ended up crying-but I stayed strong to my decision). He asked if there was someone else which I immediately told him there wasn't, that I don't want to break up for good, that I just need a break to make sure my head is in it and to make sure that everything is good. He usually texts me good morning and he said that I was asking him to not even do that (which I told him if he wanted to that I would see them but I couldn't guarantee that I'd respond). I told him that it's not like I don't want to talk to him, because I do, but to make sure that we will really work that it needs to happen. Which is when he said that he's erasing my number from him phone (which I said please no) but he said it's just so that he isn't tempted to text me and that when I'm ready, I can text him. Then he said that he had to go and this has been a hard week for him that his only sibling (his sister) graduates this Sunday and he forgot. He also said that this past Sunday was his last sacrament in his ward and that he's sad about it and that I have his number and then he got off.

This will be hard, I'm sure, but most often the hardest things in life are the things that are most worth it. I feel like my fellow MGs only on a much smaller scale. And I know girls, I shouldn't complain cuz it's only 2 weeks, but still. It'll be hardest at first because I'm used to talking to him all the time. It'll get easier in the middle when I've gotten used to it. But then the end will get close and it'll get hard and I'll get really anxious. Haha. See what I mean girls? :)

Now I just need to keep myself busy. I can spend the rest of this week packing up my stuff and getting ready to move. I can spend next week settling into my apartment, figuring out what ward I'm in and just plain getting comfortable in my new environment (I'm still getting used to living in Utah). Then I can work on making more friends. Oh and I got a quick trip to Rexburg and a sleepover mixed in there too! I can do this. Somehow...

Emotionally Compromised

I've known it for a while, but I've been denying it. When you think something, you can always push it away, but when someone else tells you it, it opens your eyes to the reality of it all. One of my best friends told me flat out and I'm grateful for her caring for me and having the guts to tell me. I've become too emotionally attached to Stuart and this past weekend affirms that. I let my emotions take control when my head needs to be in the game.

So the decision is that we're not going to talk for the next 2 weeks, and maybe more. I'm going to spend that time focusing on everything that is on my plate. I need to get settled into my apartment and make friends. When he gets here, we can get together as friends and spend time with others. Then we can see where things go from there. By doing this, he will also be able to focus on moving, settling, and making friends.

I thought about the best way to tell Stuart and typed it all up. Now I'm just waiting for him to get online so I can lay it out to him. I really hope that he is supportive in this decision and sees the value in it. If he doesn't like it and doesn't want to go with it, then that really sucks and it might be the end. The way I see it, if he doesn't want to test our relationship wants to let it go downhill like I think it is headed if we keep going the way we are, the it's not worth it.

18 days

Wow 3 posts in 3 days. I think I'm actually getting the hang of this! Haha

Stuart and I started talking at about 11:30 last night and ended up talking it all out. Granted we talked until 4:30-5 this morning, but it was worth it to get everything figured out. And I think we're ok now. Started talking this morning at about 10:30 when I woke up and we've been talking since. He apologized for being mean and said that I deserve better than that. I'm still oober excited to finally get to be together in person, although I'll probably get nervous as time gets closer. I'm so excited, I can't help but count down but I'm counting just in my head :)

Too Big of a Load

Well after not talking for almost 36 hours (torture!) we finally started talking and talked it out. I thought that there might be something going on that set him off like that, but I wasn't entirely sure. Well I was right, there was. I don't want to go into detail and explain it because I don't think it's necessary. But at least until he comes to Provo in just over 2 weeks, we're still going to talk but I'm gonna back off and give him some space. He has some things that he needs to figure out before he gets here and in order to do that, I need to give him that space.

My crummy, miserable, depressed mood was due to combined stress of not only this whole drama with Stuart, but other things too. I'm moving on Friday, it's super hot outside which is giving me a not so pretty and very uncomfortable heat rash on my leg from my brace, trying to figure out how everything is going down for school, still adjusting to life in Utah, having social "withdrawals" cuz I don't know many people and those I do know are too far away to just hang out with on a regular basis :(, working but hating my job, trying to keep a relationship, and applying for social security so trying to get that straightened out all at the same time. I can handle pressure, multi-tasking, and stress, but this is just too much for little ol me to handle alone.

Confused, Hurt, and Apologetic

I was driving today and this song played on one of my Cd's and it matched exactly what I'm feeling. Like almost to the T. I teared up listening to it. Here it is:

The Reason-Hoobastank

I'm not a perfect person

There's many things I wish I didn't do

But I continue learning

I never meant to do those things to you

And so I have to say before I go

That I just want you to know

I found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

And the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you

It's something I must live with everyday

And all the pain I put you through

I wish that I could take it all away

And be the one who catches all your tears

That's why I need you to hear

I found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

And the reason is you

And the reason is you (x3)

I'm not a perfect person

I never meant to do those things to you

And so I have to say before I go

That I just want you to know

I found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

And the reason is you

I found a reason to show

A side of me you didn't know

A reason for all that I do

And the reason is you

I am so incredibly confused. Stuart and I were completely fine but then a few weeks ago, something weird happened on his end. I'm still not exactly sure what it is. He said that he just isn't ready for a relationship, which is understandable due to what has happened in the past for him. But we still kept going on as if nothing had happened. Then 2 weeks ago, he asked if we could just be friends for a little while so he could figure everything out and he would be able to focus more on everything he had going on before he moved out. I told him that it was fine and that it'd be really good for him, and our relationship, to focus on being friends.

On the day that Taylor had 99 days left till he comes home, I posted "Double Digits" and Stuart asked me what it was about so I told him to not ask (I said that for his own good because he doesn't like hearing about Taylor, which makes sense) but he insisted that I tell him so I did. I told him that Taylor had double digits till he comes home but I also said that I had a countdown going for how many days till Stuart moves to Provo so that he could see that I wasn't focused on Taylor (it's true I'm not, I just happened to notice that he had that many days left). He told me to please not countdown for him to move to Provo cuz it's too much. Confused, I told him that I'm excited to finally get to meet my friend (we've become each other's best friend) but I agreed and deleted both countdowns I had on my google homepage (countdowns for both Stuart and Taylor).

The next day (Thursday-which I just realized happens to be the day that Taylor has been out for exactly 21 months), I messaged him on Skype and told him that I have this thing for counting. I count stairs almost every time I go up or down them and when I'm bored I count things like ceiling tiles or anything else that's around. It's just something I do without even thinking. I love counting down to things so that was another reason why I was counting down for Stuart to move here and I told him that. He said ok but after a few minutes later the conversation went as follows:

S: You're strange

A: Yup. Haha. Why though?

S: You count

A: Ya I do. But everyone has their little quirks
S: It's too strange

A: Is that a bad thing?

S: Not sure

Then I tell him that I don't do it all the time and I made it sound worse than it really is

S: Ok. You scare me

Then I ask why and he says that I like everything he posts and that I say creepy things (I count things and a question that I had asked him before) and that I'm living in Taylor's house in his room (which I clarified and told him that I'm in Kyle's room and that I'm moving out soon) and that I'm still counting down to when Taylor comes back. About this time was when I realized that he deleted me as a friend on Facebook.

S: We can try for a relationship later

A: I thought that's what we were doing. Friends for now

S: but right now it's too much

A: What are you saying?

S: Even being your friend is too hard...you make it strange

A: I'm sorry

S: So we can try again when I'm in Utah ok?

A: Ok but what are we doing till then?

S: Don't worry about it just do what you're doing

A: I don't mean to say creepy things and I don't mean to like everything you post. I like things that I like

S: it's ok. We will try later...OK

Then I told him that I deleted both countdowns and he said ok and that let's just be friends on Skype and could text and talk and that he likes me but he just needs some space then he went on a run (he can go run his emotions off but I can't. Grr!)

And we have barely spoken since. A little bit everyday but that's it-which is completely not normal for us. I'm hurt that he said those things but I'm also hurt that I hurt him.

This song put it into words for me (I have a really hard time putting things into words so I use music a lot to word things for me). Since Stuart and I have changed a bit. He brings out the best in me and I strive to do better. I know I'm not a perfect person because there are a lot of things I wish I didn't do although I have learned from everything I have done. I never meant to hurt him at all and I wish there was a way I could tell him without him pushing away more. I want to tell him that he's made me a better person. I wish I could fix everything that has happened between us. I'm showing a different side that I barely knew I had let alone other people. I very rarely cry but when I was singing along to this song, I stopped singing and listened to it and teared up.

I don't know what to do and I feel so lost and alone. I miss talking to my best friend. I miss being able to tell him everything. I almost cry every time I think about this whole thing (which is a lot). It hurts when I'm about to text him something but I don't because he hasn't responded to most times that I have texted him. I feel so helpless and hurt. I need a shoulder to cry on but the first one I think of to go to is him.

Sorry for the long post. I'll end it here because you're probably bored by now. I've been needing to vent to someone..