Confused, Hurt, and Apologetic

I was driving today and this song played on one of my Cd's and it matched exactly what I'm feeling. Like almost to the T. I teared up listening to it. Here it is:

The Reason-Hoobastank

I'm not a perfect person

There's many things I wish I didn't do

But I continue learning

I never meant to do those things to you

And so I have to say before I go

That I just want you to know

I found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

And the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you

It's something I must live with everyday

And all the pain I put you through

I wish that I could take it all away

And be the one who catches all your tears

That's why I need you to hear

I found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

And the reason is you

And the reason is you (x3)

I'm not a perfect person

I never meant to do those things to you

And so I have to say before I go

That I just want you to know

I found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

And the reason is you

I found a reason to show

A side of me you didn't know

A reason for all that I do

And the reason is you

I am so incredibly confused. Stuart and I were completely fine but then a few weeks ago, something weird happened on his end. I'm still not exactly sure what it is. He said that he just isn't ready for a relationship, which is understandable due to what has happened in the past for him. But we still kept going on as if nothing had happened. Then 2 weeks ago, he asked if we could just be friends for a little while so he could figure everything out and he would be able to focus more on everything he had going on before he moved out. I told him that it was fine and that it'd be really good for him, and our relationship, to focus on being friends.

On the day that Taylor had 99 days left till he comes home, I posted "Double Digits" and Stuart asked me what it was about so I told him to not ask (I said that for his own good because he doesn't like hearing about Taylor, which makes sense) but he insisted that I tell him so I did. I told him that Taylor had double digits till he comes home but I also said that I had a countdown going for how many days till Stuart moves to Provo so that he could see that I wasn't focused on Taylor (it's true I'm not, I just happened to notice that he had that many days left). He told me to please not countdown for him to move to Provo cuz it's too much. Confused, I told him that I'm excited to finally get to meet my friend (we've become each other's best friend) but I agreed and deleted both countdowns I had on my google homepage (countdowns for both Stuart and Taylor).

The next day (Thursday-which I just realized happens to be the day that Taylor has been out for exactly 21 months), I messaged him on Skype and told him that I have this thing for counting. I count stairs almost every time I go up or down them and when I'm bored I count things like ceiling tiles or anything else that's around. It's just something I do without even thinking. I love counting down to things so that was another reason why I was counting down for Stuart to move here and I told him that. He said ok but after a few minutes later the conversation went as follows:

S: You're strange

A: Yup. Haha. Why though?

S: You count

A: Ya I do. But everyone has their little quirks
S: It's too strange

A: Is that a bad thing?

S: Not sure

Then I tell him that I don't do it all the time and I made it sound worse than it really is

S: Ok. You scare me

Then I ask why and he says that I like everything he posts and that I say creepy things (I count things and a question that I had asked him before) and that I'm living in Taylor's house in his room (which I clarified and told him that I'm in Kyle's room and that I'm moving out soon) and that I'm still counting down to when Taylor comes back. About this time was when I realized that he deleted me as a friend on Facebook.

S: We can try for a relationship later

A: I thought that's what we were doing. Friends for now

S: but right now it's too much

A: What are you saying?

S: Even being your friend is too hard...you make it strange

A: I'm sorry

S: So we can try again when I'm in Utah ok?

A: Ok but what are we doing till then?

S: Don't worry about it just do what you're doing

A: I don't mean to say creepy things and I don't mean to like everything you post. I like things that I like

S: it's ok. We will try later...OK

Then I told him that I deleted both countdowns and he said ok and that let's just be friends on Skype and could text and talk and that he likes me but he just needs some space then he went on a run (he can go run his emotions off but I can't. Grr!)

And we have barely spoken since. A little bit everyday but that's it-which is completely not normal for us. I'm hurt that he said those things but I'm also hurt that I hurt him.

This song put it into words for me (I have a really hard time putting things into words so I use music a lot to word things for me). Since Stuart and I have changed a bit. He brings out the best in me and I strive to do better. I know I'm not a perfect person because there are a lot of things I wish I didn't do although I have learned from everything I have done. I never meant to hurt him at all and I wish there was a way I could tell him without him pushing away more. I want to tell him that he's made me a better person. I wish I could fix everything that has happened between us. I'm showing a different side that I barely knew I had let alone other people. I very rarely cry but when I was singing along to this song, I stopped singing and listened to it and teared up.

I don't know what to do and I feel so lost and alone. I miss talking to my best friend. I miss being able to tell him everything. I almost cry every time I think about this whole thing (which is a lot). It hurts when I'm about to text him something but I don't because he hasn't responded to most times that I have texted him. I feel so helpless and hurt. I need a shoulder to cry on but the first one I think of to go to is him.

Sorry for the long post. I'll end it here because you're probably bored by now. I've been needing to vent to someone..