Finally finished and Turning over a New Leaf

It's finally over. I don't think I've written about it, but Stuart has been emailing me lately (since December). I don't feel like trying to summarize it all so I'll just copy the entire conversation on here. Pay attention to the times that have responses on the same day cuz one of them is vital :)


December 10 10:53 AM-Stuart
Dear Amanda,

I know you don't want to hear from me ever again. But I wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I was also hopping we could possibly talk about the all the hurtful and degrading and horrible things I have done to you. I know I don't deserve hearing from you and you feel very deceived from our entire friendship. I acted like a disgusting little boy. I am very sorry for that. It would mean alot to me and be helpful as I need to start being accountable for my actions. If I don't hear back from you I understand and will attempt no further communication with you.

Stuart Reynolds






December 10 10:26 PM-Amanda
Stuart,

I will listen to what you have to say. Please remember though, that by talking about what happened, this is to help you get your life straight and in no way means that we will ever get back together. I have moved on in my life and have other plans.

Amanda Hollman

January 14 9:51 AM-Stuart

Hi,

     All of the mean and hurtful things I said were out of fear. I didn't really mean what I said I was scared. I really did love you. It was scary when you would talk about passing on. So I said the most vile things I could think of so you wouldn't want me. No matter how much I appologise I know that I have lost you as a friend and companion forever. 

Stuart Reynolds

January 20 11:49 AM-Amanda

Here is my completely honest message to you. Not going to lie, it is kinda harsh, but I hope that you read this message with the way it was intended: to help you be able to learn where our relationship went wrong and how you can improve in the future with other girls.

I understand if you were scared. It is a scary thing to deal with. Although I don't understand that if you really loved me like you said you did, why you would say anything you could think of to make me not want you. It's contradictory; when you truly love someone, you don't want to hurt them. You hurt me Stuart. You hurt me a lot. You accomplished what you were trying to trying to do though; I was being honest when I told you that I have no desire to be with you. What you said to me was beyond belief. The Stuart I thought I knew would never do something like that but apparently I didn't really didn't know you. I opened up to you Stuart. I was completely and totally honest with you. I told you everything and I feel like you were not completely honest with me. A girl wants to feel like they are special, loved and appreciated and for the most part, I did, but only when I was actually with you. When I wasn't around you, I felt like you didn't care. I did understand that you were studying and such, but it felt like you never wanted to be with me. You would brush off things that I would say with sincerity. You would criticize me often, including to my mom. You apologized for that, but I don't think you actually meant it, because you would still criticize me. You also often told me that you loved me, but I don't think you actually meant it. If you remember, I didn't tell you that I loved you for a little while. That happened twice, before we actually met in person and after you moved here. I did that because I wanted to mean it when I said it and I did mean it. Stuart I am telling you these things so that you will realize what you need to work on to be in a relationship. Physically, you moved very fast. You wanted to kiss me before we even met and it didn't take you long after you moved here to try. Spend as much time with someone your interested in as possible, but make sure to spend that time getting to know each other, not just sitting on a couch watching shows and kissing. Take her on dates. There are plenty of things you can do for dates that don't require money. I suggested many activities for us to do other than just watch shows but you would always shoot them down. Get out of the apartment and do something with her. Tell her how special she is and how much she means to you, but show it also and not just with physical actions. There are lots of ways to do that. Spending all free time together is one example. Doing things that maybe you like to do, but she loves is another. There are many more also. That's what I wanted from you; to show me how much I meant to you by actions, not physically. You would tell me how special I was to you but I never felt it because all you wanted from me was physical things. We always did you wanted and never what I wanted to do. Stuart, I did love the time that we had together, but after you said those vial and repulsive things to me and I completely ended it, I saw what I needed and what I hadn't been getting.

I've learned a lot from our relationship and I hope that you do too. Again, this message wasn't meant meant to hurt you, but to open your eyes to what you did to me.

Amanda

January 20 12:01 PM-Stuart

I would like to try and be your friend again. Maybe in time you can see that I'm not the person I came off as. I do miss you. I miss our friendship. Its entirely up to you.

 

Stuart

January 24 10:34 AM-Amanda

Ok Stuart, here it is, short and to the point. You want to be friends but you don’t even take the effort to think or do anything about the long message I sent you about what happened. You clearly do not actually want to be friends and haven’t changed at all since I ended our relationship. So no, we cannot, and will not be friends again. I am completely and totally serious when I say to leave me alone from now on. Do NOT contact me again.

Goodbye,

Amanda

I kinda feel bad for my response, but I needed to just end it. Continuing the conversation was egging him on and hurting me. I was being honest but maybe too honest. In my opinion though, there isn't any way to end a relationship without hurting them in some way. Better to end it now so he can work on moving on and (hopefully) learn from this whole experience. I know I've learned a lot. I know I need to watch out for counterfeits in my life. Not just boys, but in all things. I've learned that I need to keep both eyes wide open next time that I am in a relationship. I need to not only listen to my friends who tell me about the red flags, but really listen. I heard what they were saying but I wasn't really listening because I didn't believe them. I didn't open my eyes to see what they were seeing. Next time it'll be different.

If he emails me again (he better not, but just in case), I am not going to email him back. No matter how much he begs, pleads, and pulls at my heart, I'm just not going to do it. I want to start a fresh and clean slate. In fact, I am not even going to use the email that he has for me anymore. I know, I don't need to change my life for him. The thing is though, I'm not changing it for him, I'm changing it for me. I want to move on and start over. I can't do that with this same email because I will be constantly worrying that he will email me back. Even if I don't read it, I will still wonder and worry. I'm turning over a new leaf.

I failed yesterday and didn't take a picture. I didn't have my phone with me a lot of the time and I was way busy with church stuff. Today will be different though! I didn't take a picture, but one of my friends posted this song on her blog. She accidentally recorded this song when she played her keyboard to get her emotions out. I found it absolutely beautiful and have already listened to it like 5 times. Seriously I have :) Enjoy!